Your typical Asian family conversation
Dec. 8th, 2005 11:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greybetaSo, you know I am Asian. The people who know me better know that I am Vietnamese. The people who know me even better know that I am actually seven-eighths Vietnamese, one-eighth Chinese (paternal great grandfather). I come from your run-of-the-mill, traditional Vietnamese family. What does this mean? Well, for starters, this means that is not unusual in my culture for my parents to be very involved in my life. This is doubly so because I am the only son. Sons in Asian families are “precious pots of gold.” A good mom will spoil her golden son to death because that is what good moms do. Now, my definition of spoiled is actually rather different from your definition of spoiled. You may think of being spoiled as petulant, whiny, and selfish. Well an Asian golden son is all of those things, but has some additional qualities you won’t find in American spoiled children. A good Asian mother spoils her son because she wants to make sure her son takes the best possible path for his life the path that will ensure the family’s greatest financial security. A good Asian mother spoils her daughter to make sure she is most attractive to a golden son.
I’m being too philosophical here. I’ll spell it out in a simpler manner. Sons are good. Daughters are “okay”. Sons carry the family name. Daughters carry the babies. Sons work. Daughters stay at home. Sons study the sciences hard. Daughters study the arts hard. Now really gifted sons study everything if he is to be a true leader. A really gifted daughter only hopes to be so lucky as to marry a golden son.
Traditional Asians tend to be slightly misogynistic.
Asians also have a lot in common with the Romans of old. That is, the mother plays a very important role in the life of the family. It has to do with filial piety, or the undying devotion to family. I remember being told about this one story about a kid being spanked. Spanking is the most common form of punishment to teach your child right from wrong. Spare the rod, spoil the child. Now this kid’s mom was vicious. She spanked him so hard that he always cried when she spanked him. But that one day his mom got really sick. She tried to spank him, but it didn’t hurt. When she was catching her breath, he cried. His mother asked him why he was crying. The filial son replied, “Because it didn’t hurt anymore. It hurts even more when it doesn’t hurt anymore.”
While the American culture vastly differs from the Asian culture, they both highly value the same thing: Money. American culture values doctors and lawyers the most. Asian culture values doctors, pharmacists, and engineers. The difference is that Asians value working hard for the money more than Americans do. So doctors are seen as altruistic, life-aiding angels while lawyers are seen as dastardly, deceptive demons.
In the Vietnamese culture, education is highly valued. I had no doubts that I would be going to college since the day I was born. I assembled one thousand piece jigsaw puzzles of world maps when I was three years old. I learned my multiplication tables as soon as I learned how to talk. Childhood? I don’t know…it’s hard to separate my childhood from doing whatever my parents felt would help me prepare to make money.
All the church elders always commented how mature I was relative to their children. They always pointed me out as the shining paragon of how to act courteous to everyone. But they also wondered why I didn’t smile very often, if at all.
One day, when I was really young, I remember watching a TV serial version of Romance of the Three Kingdoms, a very famous Chinese literary novel depicting the unification of the Three Kingdoms in China. Sadly, it’s more of a political story than a romance per se. It had memorable characters whose names are references in everyday culture. Talk about Cao Cao and you know you are talking about a guy who is conniving and Machiavellian. Talk about Liu Bei and you know you are talking about an honest but naïve man. I asked who was the smartest guy of them all. My parents told me that they respected Zhuge Liang, whose name is synonymous with “wisdom”.
Why exactly Zhuge Liang, the man with the amazing fan in Dynasty Warriors 4? Wasn’t he more of an advisor in the story? Ah, yes, but he knew how to manipulate the situation to his advantage. He let people think they were doing what they wanted to do, while they were actually doing what he predicted they would do. He was sort of a prototype for the prescient Bruce Wayne from Batman: The Animated Series. Anyways, the main point was that nobody knew what he was thinking. My parents pointed out that if I wanted to be successful, nobody could know what I was thinking.
There are two ways to hide your thoughts. The first involves simply wearing a stiff upper lip and refusing to react to things. Quiet people are often the hardest people to read because they do not say enough to reveal anything about their personalities. This is why some of the best poker players in the world say nary a word on TV. Then opposite tactic involves talking up a storm to hide what you are truly thinking. Say whatever the opposite of what you opponent think to say. In fact, just say whatever your opponent think you will not say.
Zhuge Liang was a master at switching flawlessly between the two.
I patterned my reaction pattern after Zhuge Liang, just as he tailored his personality to suit whoever he was talking to. This is what makes me a deceptive person. I switch my personality to be contrary to whoever I am talking to. In the BSU I become a near heretic with regards to the dogma. Outside the BSU I defend the doctrine to death. In the midst of College Republicans I am willing to argue the liberal side. I’m not afraid to argue about bigoted conservative politics with Young Democrats. Sometimes I find me arguing against myself for the sake of arguing.
Most entertaining arguments ever.
And I take crap from nobody outside out of my family because I’ve been pretty much ripped to shreds in my own house. When your own family tears into you at home, the world becomes a less scarier place. No, really, people think I am “patient” because they’ve never seen me blow up. I hardly ever raise my voice in anger to another person. That’s because I blow up all the time. In front of my family. We don’t have family dinners, we don’t have family conversations, we have family nuclear war. Allow me to provide you a script. You also have to imagine my mom speaking in Vietnamese (so I’ll have to translate liberally), but me responding in English.
Mom: Okay, son, put the dishes in the sink.
Me: Yes, mom.
Mom: Okay, son, I just wanted to ask you again, how are you paying for your fifth year?
Me: Mom, I’m working on it…
Mom: Do you have the money yet?
Me: Well, no, because I wanted to make sure I could re-enroll first.
Mom: Do you know how much a private school like costs?
Me: Sure, like twenty-two, twenty-three thousand dollars a year.
Mom: And where are you going to get that?
Me: Dunno. A job, or loans, or ask the president…
Mom: No one is going to give a crazy person any money.
Me: No, but I’m not crazy!
Mom: Then why are you at home instead of taking finals with the rest of your so called friends?
Me: Because I got sick.
Mom: You mean you acted sick because you got too lazy to do your work and so then you thought you could get a free pass with depression.
Me: So the doctor thought I was faking, too?
Mom: You’re too good at telling people what you want them to hear.
Me: Oh, so you’re mad about that now?
Mom: Why didn’t you tell me sooner you wanted to teach?
Me: I tried…
Mom: NO! NO YOU DIDN’T! YOU KEPT SAYING YOU WANTED TO DO ENGINEERING!
Me: That’s…because…you…told me to make money (I am one straw away…)
Mom: AND YOU AREN’T NOW, ARE YOU?!?
Me: MAYBE THAT’S BECAUSE I TIRED TO TELL YOU AND YOU WOULDN’T LISTEN TO ME. ONE TIME I JOKED ABOUT BEING A TEACHER AND YOU JUST MADE FUN OF ME.
Mom: THAT’S BECAUSE TEACHERS DON’T MAKE ANY MONEY. I DID NOT RAISE MY SON TO BE POOR.
Me: (calms down) Is that what this is about? Money?
Mom: YOU HAVE TO HAVE MONEY TO LIVE.
Me: Sure, money is important, but it’s not everything.
Mom: NO IT IS EVERYTHING. WITHOUT MONEY THE WORLD KICKS AND MAKES FUN OF YOU.
Me: Yeah, but I chose to be poor.
Mom: MY SISTERS ALWAYS WARNED ME TO AVOID EDUCATION!!!
Me: But they still chose to teach right?
Mom: YEAH BUT THEY’RE POOR!
Me: Poor but happy, right?
Mom: YES, BUT THAT ‘S A DIFFICULT PATH. WHY ARE YOU SO SMUG RIGHT NOW, MISTER?!? ONLY FOOLS CHOOSE THE ROCKY ROAD THAN A SMOOTH ROAD.
Me: Mom, sometimes the road less traveled is the better one to take.
Mom: DON’T THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH SAYING SOME RANDOM QUOTE TO ME. YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART, DON’T YOU? NO, YOU’RE STUPID!
Me: Fine…fine…I’m stupid. I can’t argue that.
Mom: LISTEN TO ME! IF YOU WANT TO CONVINCE ME THAT YOU ARE SMART, GET RID OF ALL OF YOUR MAGIC CARDS!
Me: Magic? But I like Magic…
Mom: AND THAT’S PART OF THE BLEEPING PROBLEM. IF YOU GOT RID OF YOUR MAGIC CARDS YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO STUDY BETTER!
Me: That’s a high price to pay, but I will get rid of them for you if it makes you feel happier Mom. I doubt I’m going to play much longer anyways when I return to Tulsa…
Mom: THAT REMINDS ME. HOW MANY HOURS DO YOU HAVE LEFT?
Me: Twelve for History, plus another thirty or so hours for alternative certification.
Mom: SO YOU’VE BEEN AT TULSA FOR THREE YEARS AND YOU STILL HAVE THAT MUCH LEFT TO DO?
Me: Well yeah, I mean, I switched like three times Mom…
Mom: GOOD LORD, DO YOU REALIZE HOW STUPID YOU LOOK WHEN IT TAKES YOU FIVE YEARS TO GRADUATE?
Me: Not really.
Mom: DON’T YOU REMEMBER ONE OF YOUR SISTER’S FRIENDS WHO GRADUATED IN EDUCATION IN TWO AND A HALF YEARS? SHE WAS A NATIONAL MERIT FINALIST JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: True, but not everyone goes down the straight path mom. Some people take the curvy road, but we’ll all end up at the same place in the end, Mom.
Mom: LOOK AT YOU. YOU WASTED ALL THAT EFFORT ME AND DAD PUT INTO SETTING UP ALL THOSE CONTACTS FOR YOUR ARRANGED MARRIAGE. WE HAD NO LESS THAN FOUR FRIENDS’ DAUGHTERS LINED UP FOR YOU. WE HAD TO TALK UP YOUR USELESS HISTORY MAJOR AND THEN YOU GO MESS IT UP BY GETTING DEPRESSED!
Me: Sorry, Mom. I guess I’ll have to find a girl on my own.
Mom: (LAUGHS OUT LOUD) YOU’D HAVE TO FIND A POOR, STUPID GIRL TO MARRY A POOR, STUPID BOY!
Me: Guess it would be a good match then…
Mom: STOP MAKING FUN OF ME, MISTER! YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT ALL FIGURED IT OUT DON’T YOU? WELL WHY DON’T YOU TELL GOD TO COME HELP YOU PAY OFF YOUR FIFTH YEAR? OR YOUR MAGIC FRIENDS? OR YOUR BSU FRIENDS?
Me: Well, I’m sure they’d like to help, but most people would leave it at a family matter. I mean have any of our relatives offered us monetary assistance?
Mom: THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT. YOU KNOW YOU SPENT TOO MUCH TIME PLAYING WITH YOUR FRIENDS. DON’T DENY IT.
Me: Fine, yes, I did spend too much playing around next semester.
Mom: HA! I KNEW I COULDN’T TRUST YOU. YOU SHOULD JUST LEAVE TULSA AND COME TO THE LOCAL UNIVERSITY TO TEACH. YOU CAN GET YOUR HISTORY MAJOR AND CERTIFICATION ANYWHERE, RIGHT?
Me: Sure, but I like to finish what I start, Mom. I’d like to start at TU and end at TU.
Mom: STOP DREAMING! I CAN’T TRUST YOU TO DO THAT? HOW CAN I TRUST YOU? IN FACT, HOW CAN YOUR ROOMMATE HOWARD TRUST YOU? HOWARD IS SMART, HE’S THE SON OF A DOCTOR. HE TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE MESSY! PEOPLE AREN’T GOING TO TELL YOU TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF!
Me: Too bad I can’t take you everywhere I go, right Mom?
Mom: I WISH YOU WOULD JUST STAY HOME. YOU’RE TOO SICK TO GO BACK. IF YOU GO BACK AND FAIL AND COME CRYING HOME, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO.
Me: (now goes to play the piano) We’re done talking.
Mom: OH NO, YOU AREN’T GOING TO ESCAPE BEHIND YOUR PIANO MISTER!
Me: When…Israel was in Egypt’s Land…Let my people go!
Mom: DANIEL!
Me: :When…Israel was in Egypt’s Land…Let my people go!
Mom: DANIEL TURN AROUND AND TALK TO ME!
Me: Go down, Moses…way down, in Egypt’s land.
Mom: STOP PLAYING THE STUPID PIANO!
Me: Tell Old, Pharaoh, Let My People Go!
Mom: FINALLY! NOW TALK TO ME MISTER.
Me: GOOD LORD I AM PLAYING THE PIANO TO CALM DOWN BUT YOU STILL WANT TO AGGRAVATE ME. F*CKING FINE! I PROMISE TO GET RID OF MY MAGIC CARDS. I PROMISE TO SPEND LESS TIME WITH MY FRIENDS. I ALSO PROMISE ONE MORE THING.
Mom: OH YOU AND YOUR WORTHLESS PROMISES!
Me: (breathes deeply) Well, I will make a 4.0 next semester and the next two semesters after that. I will find the money for my fifth year. Then I will obtain my certification to teach. But if I can make a 4.0 next spring and find the money in my fifth year, will you finally get off my case?
Mom: If you can do that, I would be happy.
Me: If I don’t, then I’ll come back home and study at the local college or whatever. I’ll stay at home for the rest of my waking days.
Mom: Don’t say that. Because you’re the type to fail on purpose just so you could get a free ride.
Me: Fine, then if I don’t make a 4.0 next semester then I will strike my own path finding factory work.
Mom: There, was that so hard to reveal your true feelings?
Me: Are you done venting yet?
Mom: Yes. Just remember this, I tried being an optimist with you and that didn’t work. Your elder sister was right, Hannah knew you were too lazy to do the projects on your own.
Me: Yes, yes, I know you grew up in a different culture Mom.
Mom: I know you understand, but I can’t help but repeat myself. Let me be the pessimist so you can be the optimist.
Me: Just ask. We’re a brutally straightforward family. We can take it.
Mom: Yes…oh hey Wheel of Fortune is on.
Me: Sweet…
(five minutes later)
(The board reads _HOROGRAPHD FIR__ORKS SHO_.)
Contestant #2: I’d like to solve. Choreographed Fireworks shot!
Me and Mom: STUPID! (with the inflection only Asians can put on)
I’m being too philosophical here. I’ll spell it out in a simpler manner. Sons are good. Daughters are “okay”. Sons carry the family name. Daughters carry the babies. Sons work. Daughters stay at home. Sons study the sciences hard. Daughters study the arts hard. Now really gifted sons study everything if he is to be a true leader. A really gifted daughter only hopes to be so lucky as to marry a golden son.
Traditional Asians tend to be slightly misogynistic.
Asians also have a lot in common with the Romans of old. That is, the mother plays a very important role in the life of the family. It has to do with filial piety, or the undying devotion to family. I remember being told about this one story about a kid being spanked. Spanking is the most common form of punishment to teach your child right from wrong. Spare the rod, spoil the child. Now this kid’s mom was vicious. She spanked him so hard that he always cried when she spanked him. But that one day his mom got really sick. She tried to spank him, but it didn’t hurt. When she was catching her breath, he cried. His mother asked him why he was crying. The filial son replied, “Because it didn’t hurt anymore. It hurts even more when it doesn’t hurt anymore.”
While the American culture vastly differs from the Asian culture, they both highly value the same thing: Money. American culture values doctors and lawyers the most. Asian culture values doctors, pharmacists, and engineers. The difference is that Asians value working hard for the money more than Americans do. So doctors are seen as altruistic, life-aiding angels while lawyers are seen as dastardly, deceptive demons.
In the Vietnamese culture, education is highly valued. I had no doubts that I would be going to college since the day I was born. I assembled one thousand piece jigsaw puzzles of world maps when I was three years old. I learned my multiplication tables as soon as I learned how to talk. Childhood? I don’t know…it’s hard to separate my childhood from doing whatever my parents felt would help me prepare to make money.
All the church elders always commented how mature I was relative to their children. They always pointed me out as the shining paragon of how to act courteous to everyone. But they also wondered why I didn’t smile very often, if at all.
One day, when I was really young, I remember watching a TV serial version of Romance of the Three Kingdoms, a very famous Chinese literary novel depicting the unification of the Three Kingdoms in China. Sadly, it’s more of a political story than a romance per se. It had memorable characters whose names are references in everyday culture. Talk about Cao Cao and you know you are talking about a guy who is conniving and Machiavellian. Talk about Liu Bei and you know you are talking about an honest but naïve man. I asked who was the smartest guy of them all. My parents told me that they respected Zhuge Liang, whose name is synonymous with “wisdom”.
Why exactly Zhuge Liang, the man with the amazing fan in Dynasty Warriors 4? Wasn’t he more of an advisor in the story? Ah, yes, but he knew how to manipulate the situation to his advantage. He let people think they were doing what they wanted to do, while they were actually doing what he predicted they would do. He was sort of a prototype for the prescient Bruce Wayne from Batman: The Animated Series. Anyways, the main point was that nobody knew what he was thinking. My parents pointed out that if I wanted to be successful, nobody could know what I was thinking.
There are two ways to hide your thoughts. The first involves simply wearing a stiff upper lip and refusing to react to things. Quiet people are often the hardest people to read because they do not say enough to reveal anything about their personalities. This is why some of the best poker players in the world say nary a word on TV. Then opposite tactic involves talking up a storm to hide what you are truly thinking. Say whatever the opposite of what you opponent think to say. In fact, just say whatever your opponent think you will not say.
Zhuge Liang was a master at switching flawlessly between the two.
I patterned my reaction pattern after Zhuge Liang, just as he tailored his personality to suit whoever he was talking to. This is what makes me a deceptive person. I switch my personality to be contrary to whoever I am talking to. In the BSU I become a near heretic with regards to the dogma. Outside the BSU I defend the doctrine to death. In the midst of College Republicans I am willing to argue the liberal side. I’m not afraid to argue about bigoted conservative politics with Young Democrats. Sometimes I find me arguing against myself for the sake of arguing.
Most entertaining arguments ever.
And I take crap from nobody outside out of my family because I’ve been pretty much ripped to shreds in my own house. When your own family tears into you at home, the world becomes a less scarier place. No, really, people think I am “patient” because they’ve never seen me blow up. I hardly ever raise my voice in anger to another person. That’s because I blow up all the time. In front of my family. We don’t have family dinners, we don’t have family conversations, we have family nuclear war. Allow me to provide you a script. You also have to imagine my mom speaking in Vietnamese (so I’ll have to translate liberally), but me responding in English.
Mom: Okay, son, put the dishes in the sink.
Me: Yes, mom.
Mom: Okay, son, I just wanted to ask you again, how are you paying for your fifth year?
Me: Mom, I’m working on it…
Mom: Do you have the money yet?
Me: Well, no, because I wanted to make sure I could re-enroll first.
Mom: Do you know how much a private school like costs?
Me: Sure, like twenty-two, twenty-three thousand dollars a year.
Mom: And where are you going to get that?
Me: Dunno. A job, or loans, or ask the president…
Mom: No one is going to give a crazy person any money.
Me: No, but I’m not crazy!
Mom: Then why are you at home instead of taking finals with the rest of your so called friends?
Me: Because I got sick.
Mom: You mean you acted sick because you got too lazy to do your work and so then you thought you could get a free pass with depression.
Me: So the doctor thought I was faking, too?
Mom: You’re too good at telling people what you want them to hear.
Me: Oh, so you’re mad about that now?
Mom: Why didn’t you tell me sooner you wanted to teach?
Me: I tried…
Mom: NO! NO YOU DIDN’T! YOU KEPT SAYING YOU WANTED TO DO ENGINEERING!
Me: That’s…because…you…told me to make money (I am one straw away…)
Mom: AND YOU AREN’T NOW, ARE YOU?!?
Me: MAYBE THAT’S BECAUSE I TIRED TO TELL YOU AND YOU WOULDN’T LISTEN TO ME. ONE TIME I JOKED ABOUT BEING A TEACHER AND YOU JUST MADE FUN OF ME.
Mom: THAT’S BECAUSE TEACHERS DON’T MAKE ANY MONEY. I DID NOT RAISE MY SON TO BE POOR.
Me: (calms down) Is that what this is about? Money?
Mom: YOU HAVE TO HAVE MONEY TO LIVE.
Me: Sure, money is important, but it’s not everything.
Mom: NO IT IS EVERYTHING. WITHOUT MONEY THE WORLD KICKS AND MAKES FUN OF YOU.
Me: Yeah, but I chose to be poor.
Mom: MY SISTERS ALWAYS WARNED ME TO AVOID EDUCATION!!!
Me: But they still chose to teach right?
Mom: YEAH BUT THEY’RE POOR!
Me: Poor but happy, right?
Mom: YES, BUT THAT ‘S A DIFFICULT PATH. WHY ARE YOU SO SMUG RIGHT NOW, MISTER?!? ONLY FOOLS CHOOSE THE ROCKY ROAD THAN A SMOOTH ROAD.
Me: Mom, sometimes the road less traveled is the better one to take.
Mom: DON’T THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH SAYING SOME RANDOM QUOTE TO ME. YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART, DON’T YOU? NO, YOU’RE STUPID!
Me: Fine…fine…I’m stupid. I can’t argue that.
Mom: LISTEN TO ME! IF YOU WANT TO CONVINCE ME THAT YOU ARE SMART, GET RID OF ALL OF YOUR MAGIC CARDS!
Me: Magic? But I like Magic…
Mom: AND THAT’S PART OF THE BLEEPING PROBLEM. IF YOU GOT RID OF YOUR MAGIC CARDS YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO STUDY BETTER!
Me: That’s a high price to pay, but I will get rid of them for you if it makes you feel happier Mom. I doubt I’m going to play much longer anyways when I return to Tulsa…
Mom: THAT REMINDS ME. HOW MANY HOURS DO YOU HAVE LEFT?
Me: Twelve for History, plus another thirty or so hours for alternative certification.
Mom: SO YOU’VE BEEN AT TULSA FOR THREE YEARS AND YOU STILL HAVE THAT MUCH LEFT TO DO?
Me: Well yeah, I mean, I switched like three times Mom…
Mom: GOOD LORD, DO YOU REALIZE HOW STUPID YOU LOOK WHEN IT TAKES YOU FIVE YEARS TO GRADUATE?
Me: Not really.
Mom: DON’T YOU REMEMBER ONE OF YOUR SISTER’S FRIENDS WHO GRADUATED IN EDUCATION IN TWO AND A HALF YEARS? SHE WAS A NATIONAL MERIT FINALIST JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: True, but not everyone goes down the straight path mom. Some people take the curvy road, but we’ll all end up at the same place in the end, Mom.
Mom: LOOK AT YOU. YOU WASTED ALL THAT EFFORT ME AND DAD PUT INTO SETTING UP ALL THOSE CONTACTS FOR YOUR ARRANGED MARRIAGE. WE HAD NO LESS THAN FOUR FRIENDS’ DAUGHTERS LINED UP FOR YOU. WE HAD TO TALK UP YOUR USELESS HISTORY MAJOR AND THEN YOU GO MESS IT UP BY GETTING DEPRESSED!
Me: Sorry, Mom. I guess I’ll have to find a girl on my own.
Mom: (LAUGHS OUT LOUD) YOU’D HAVE TO FIND A POOR, STUPID GIRL TO MARRY A POOR, STUPID BOY!
Me: Guess it would be a good match then…
Mom: STOP MAKING FUN OF ME, MISTER! YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT ALL FIGURED IT OUT DON’T YOU? WELL WHY DON’T YOU TELL GOD TO COME HELP YOU PAY OFF YOUR FIFTH YEAR? OR YOUR MAGIC FRIENDS? OR YOUR BSU FRIENDS?
Me: Well, I’m sure they’d like to help, but most people would leave it at a family matter. I mean have any of our relatives offered us monetary assistance?
Mom: THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT. YOU KNOW YOU SPENT TOO MUCH TIME PLAYING WITH YOUR FRIENDS. DON’T DENY IT.
Me: Fine, yes, I did spend too much playing around next semester.
Mom: HA! I KNEW I COULDN’T TRUST YOU. YOU SHOULD JUST LEAVE TULSA AND COME TO THE LOCAL UNIVERSITY TO TEACH. YOU CAN GET YOUR HISTORY MAJOR AND CERTIFICATION ANYWHERE, RIGHT?
Me: Sure, but I like to finish what I start, Mom. I’d like to start at TU and end at TU.
Mom: STOP DREAMING! I CAN’T TRUST YOU TO DO THAT? HOW CAN I TRUST YOU? IN FACT, HOW CAN YOUR ROOMMATE HOWARD TRUST YOU? HOWARD IS SMART, HE’S THE SON OF A DOCTOR. HE TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE MESSY! PEOPLE AREN’T GOING TO TELL YOU TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF!
Me: Too bad I can’t take you everywhere I go, right Mom?
Mom: I WISH YOU WOULD JUST STAY HOME. YOU’RE TOO SICK TO GO BACK. IF YOU GO BACK AND FAIL AND COME CRYING HOME, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO.
Me: (now goes to play the piano) We’re done talking.
Mom: OH NO, YOU AREN’T GOING TO ESCAPE BEHIND YOUR PIANO MISTER!
Me: When…Israel was in Egypt’s Land…Let my people go!
Mom: DANIEL!
Me: :When…Israel was in Egypt’s Land…Let my people go!
Mom: DANIEL TURN AROUND AND TALK TO ME!
Me: Go down, Moses…way down, in Egypt’s land.
Mom: STOP PLAYING THE STUPID PIANO!
Me: Tell Old, Pharaoh, Let My People Go!
Mom: FINALLY! NOW TALK TO ME MISTER.
Me: GOOD LORD I AM PLAYING THE PIANO TO CALM DOWN BUT YOU STILL WANT TO AGGRAVATE ME. F*CKING FINE! I PROMISE TO GET RID OF MY MAGIC CARDS. I PROMISE TO SPEND LESS TIME WITH MY FRIENDS. I ALSO PROMISE ONE MORE THING.
Mom: OH YOU AND YOUR WORTHLESS PROMISES!
Me: (breathes deeply) Well, I will make a 4.0 next semester and the next two semesters after that. I will find the money for my fifth year. Then I will obtain my certification to teach. But if I can make a 4.0 next spring and find the money in my fifth year, will you finally get off my case?
Mom: If you can do that, I would be happy.
Me: If I don’t, then I’ll come back home and study at the local college or whatever. I’ll stay at home for the rest of my waking days.
Mom: Don’t say that. Because you’re the type to fail on purpose just so you could get a free ride.
Me: Fine, then if I don’t make a 4.0 next semester then I will strike my own path finding factory work.
Mom: There, was that so hard to reveal your true feelings?
Me: Are you done venting yet?
Mom: Yes. Just remember this, I tried being an optimist with you and that didn’t work. Your elder sister was right, Hannah knew you were too lazy to do the projects on your own.
Me: Yes, yes, I know you grew up in a different culture Mom.
Mom: I know you understand, but I can’t help but repeat myself. Let me be the pessimist so you can be the optimist.
Me: Just ask. We’re a brutally straightforward family. We can take it.
Mom: Yes…oh hey Wheel of Fortune is on.
Me: Sweet…
(five minutes later)
(The board reads _HOROGRAPHD FIR__ORKS SHO_.)
Contestant #2: I’d like to solve. Choreographed Fireworks shot!
Me and Mom: STUPID! (with the inflection only Asians can put on)
