Arranged marriage ain't so bad!

[greybeta]

[Author’s note: nysidra made a beautiful silver and gold “D2” icon for D2. According to alchemy’s law of equivalent exchange, D2 must give her something free in exchange for something free. So it is that D2 writes 500 words in response to the prompt “I'd like to read about what you've learned about the Vietnamese culture that you consider interesting, neat, noteworthy, or particularly unique. What does it mean to have a Vietnamese heritage?” Now 500 words isn’t nearly enough to encompass all that is Vietnamese, so D2 has chosen to write about a certain aspect of Vietnamese culture that is very different from American culture. And, since she didn’t specify, I will count digressions towards my 500 word limit.]

Do you know how hard it is to play a meaningless game, a game you’ve already won?

I know the feeling.

Because I have an “arranged marriage.”

Let me explain the Vietnamese concept of arranged marriage. First, allow me to tell what it is not. It is NOT like some random girl was promised to me when I was five years old. It is NOT like I do not have a choice in the matter, because I still have veto power if I really do not like the poor girl. It is NOT like playing Russian roulette.

So, I bet you’re curious to know what it is. Well, I don’t want you to be confused when I say I have an “arranged marriage” so I will go ahead and tell you. It is a stable marriage because both families are part of the same socioeconomic class. It is a way to formalize relations between two friendly families. It is more of a way to ensure the one bullet you get to fire hits something good.

What is arranged marriage at its worst? Hmmm, you probably already know but let me reinforce what you are already thinking. Rich families use arranged marriages to keep wealth within the family. Often, marriages are arranged between cousins, usually second cousins, just so that the estate remains in the family name. Sometimes, arranged marriage is used to pay back certain debts that cannot be paid otherwise. The unhappiest marriage is one where both families are pushing for the union but one of the children do not want it (cause usually the union is made at the behest of one of the children).

Then, what is arranged marriage at its best? I hate to admit this, but arranged marriage works best when it coincides with the American courtship system. What I mean is that most “arranged” marriages aren’t really arranged. C’mon, do you really think arranged marriage could have lasted so long if the husband and wife weren’t truly in love? Of course not! Arranged marriage in the Vietnamese culture succeeds because marriage becomes more than just about the bride and groom. For a convenient example, I only have to think of my mom and dad.

We’ve all heard the saying, “You marry into the family.” Well, arranged marriage in the Vietnamese culture takes that and makes it a requirement for marriage. Before my dad dated my mom, he actually got to know my uncle first (Dad took Mom’s younger brother to go play soccer and other fun stuff). When my dad screwed up the courage to ask my mom out, he had to ask my mom’s dad for permission first. Whenever he dated my mom, he first paid his respects to my maternal grandparents. Vice versa for my mom, as well. Hmmm, perhaps the only reason one in twenty five arranged marriages fail (random Simpsons reference) is because the bride and groom basically merge their two families.

Now, tell me, is arranged marriage so bad?

Comments

Not good or bad.

[nysidra.livejournal.com]

I never thought anything 'qualifying' about it to begin with. Two people merge lives - arranged or planned - it has its pitfalls and benefits. However, the USA has arranged marriages, though they may not call them so.

Thank you for this insight.

[zoethe.livejournal.com]

Interesting. It serves a number of functions: cultural purity, increasing the chances that the new couple will remain physically close to relatives (since they are all from the area, and domestic harmony.

What I find a fascinating contrast is, I had a college roommate whose finance broke off their engagement because his parents didn't want him marrying someone who was half Japanese, and all her friends found that appallingly racist. Yet this system enforces it within the culture itself, and that racism is presented as a positive thing. Not really sure what that means, just observing.

[tu-oboe-girl.livejournal.com]

From my own experience, it really does make life much easier and happier if the families like each other. Josh and I didn't have an arranged marriage; we chose each other. But in the dating process we gave our families alot of time and opportunities to know us and each other. Josh and I value our families and their opinions so much that I doubt we would be married if everyone wasn't in favor. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I see it as a huge plus when there is good will between the families, whether it comes through an arranged marriage or otherwise.

Re: Not good or bad.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. ^_^

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Yet this system enforces it within the culture itself, and that racism is presented as a positive thing.
Since I was limited to 500 words, I couldn't cover that. In genetics, there's a term called "associative mating." Likes tend to mate with likes. For example, a cardinal of one hue of red will tend to mate with a cardinal of a particular hue of red. A biologist could come up with a strong statistical argument that those hues of red are "associated", hence the term associative mating.

For very traditional Asian families (this is across the board), they would prefer to marry purebred within in their own race. However, since my dad was one quarter Chinese, he doesn't have this very traditional bias. However, my parents would be rather sad if I married a non-Asian girl. Perhaps some of that could be explained by genetics.

It's the nature/nurture argument creeping its ugly head again.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

I guess that is one thing Baptist families and Vietnamese familes have in common--you've got to go through the father to get to the daughter. ;)

[loga.livejournal.com]

Arranged marriage is the answer to international conflicts.
I am a fan.
I have even devised a plan to solve said international problems with a brilliant scheme involving a Russian-owned (though Gazprom) matchmaking company...

In all seriousness, though, I think arranged marriage is a good thing...that is, if those parties involved all respect and adhere to similiar and common traditions and customs...i.e. the grandparent veneration.

[shadefell.livejournal.com]

I used to live with a delightful young woman who refused to date, as it would only get in the way of her education. Her parents were going to arrange a marriage for her, at her insistance, and she trusted them to pick well. They'd been an arranged marriage, and had quickly grown to love one another and had a very stable and loving marriage built on trust, respect, fondness, and love.

My mother bought 3 used cars for my youngest brother, all of them irreparable clunkers. For some reason, this makes me very glad that I've chosen my own marriage path. I mean, if she can't even decipher car ads, how could she weed out unsuitable suitors? ;)

My fiance's family has numerous times offered to arrange a more suitable woman for him. He's graciously declined each offer.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Wait, elders get respect in American culture?

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

I see you are not like others, who are biased against arranged marriage. I don't think people realize in America the freedom to choose is much greater than in the motherland.

[loga.livejournal.com]

Did I say that I was referring to American culture? I wasn't.