Why I make music (because I like listening to myself)

A friend of mine once asked me why I made music. I really didn’t have an answer then, but a recent conversation with purplkat made me re-examine why I make music.

In a previous post, I addressed why I loved the piano. But the reason why you love something and the reason you love to make something can be two very different things.

So now I must address why I play the piano. Um, why do I play the piano…why do I make music?

It’s not because I’m good at it. Well, “good” for me is being able to play off both sheet music and chords only, being able to both play formal pieces and improv.

I can’t do that because all I’m really good at is memorizing finger positions and chords and playing it from rote memory. I could train a monkey to do that.

So it must be a reason other than excellence that I play the piano. Let me suggest that I play the piano because it functions as a mirror for me, a mad method to reflect on my emotional state.

To digress a bit, allow me to say that there’s no doubt in my mind that the good Lord gave me one of the finest eidetic memories in the world. But the good Lord must have a good sense of humor because he forgot to give me some sense and sensibility.

Well, I possess a vast storehouse of knowledge yet I am often unaware of how people feel around you. I come across as an arrogant prick even if I am actually a fairly humble person.

For some reason or the other, I remember from a very young age that I should learn to guard my true thoughts. I became so adept at hiding my thoughts that I was eventually was able to hide my feelings—even from myself.

My thoughts and feelings are more connected than I would like to admit. If I cannot access my sincere thoughts at any given time, then I would have quite a bit of trouble assessing my genuine emotional state.

Invariably, I need a way to measure what I am thinking and feeling. For that, I have taught myself to become attentive to the manner in which I play the piano.

When I am happy, the music flows naturally from my brain to my fingers to the keys on the piano. When I am not, the music is disrupted in a variety of ways.

Confidence closes my eyes and allows me to measure what I am thinking and feeling. Suddenly, I lose myself in the music as I forget about all the emotional barriers that I have erected against the world.

Gladness noticeably speeds up my playing. I get excited when I am happy, and the piano reflects my more active mind state.

Nervousness causes me to stumble on songs that I am normally able to play from memory. I smile to cover my embarrassment but the notes betray the train wreck inside of me.

Sadness significantly slows down the pace at which I play. I guess subconsciously I am trying to give myself more time to meditate on what troubles me.

On the other hand, it might just be because I like to impress people by showing off how much music I can play without the sheet music in front of me. More likely, I am simply so narcissistic that I love hearing myself play the piano.

I got an internship!

Although, it's an unpaid internship, so I still need to get a job that pays actual money.

So yeah, I put on a suit today and went to my interview with Robin, Senator Inhofe's intern coordinator for his Tulsa office. His Tulsa office is located at the headquarters of F&M Bank, which is only about a five minute drive from the The University of Tulsa campus.

I admit I was a bit nervous. Fortunately, I was recommended by a previous intern so it was pretty smooth sailing once the interview got rolling.

I answered the usual questions of why I wanted to be an intern. I want to teach AP American Government, so it would help me understand the political system better. Also, I work as the Opinion Editor for my campus newspaper so I'm naturally interested in politics. I've worked in student government so I understand how to deal with people.

She said that I would work 12 hours a week for at least eight weeks a summer. I could work probably ten hours a week if I wanted to work the entire summer. I'm thinking I will because I'll be in Tulsa anyways. That and I already signed up for an annual license for my on-campus apartment.

I toured the office and met the staff. Their job is to relay the constituents concern to the DC office and Senator Inhofe himself. The bulk of my work will be in veteran affairs, since they have something like 500-600 cases a month. They have a lot of cases because they also handle the National Guard, and 75-80 percent of Oklahoma's National Guard is currently deployed (which is among the highest in the nation, if not the highest).

I will also be allowed to handle some press releases since I expressed an interest in the news side of the job. Another one of my responsibilities will be to sift through the Daily Oklahoman (Oklahoma City's newspaper) and the Tulsa World to recognize the issues that affect constituents. For Inhofe's field representative, one the days that he is there I will be reading through all the local newspapers to inform him of pertinent issues.

While the job is unpaid, there are quite a few perks. The obvious one is that it's a good way to get my foot in the door into politics, if I choose to get more involved later on. The computers are connected to the DC server, so there are quite a few programs that cannot I can access on the intern computer that cannot be accessed without being connected to the DC server. On some days, I will travel with the field representative to meet the local mayors and councils.

It's very likely that I will get to meet Senator Inhofe in person as well. Unfortunately, he'll probably be the one asking questions as it would be his turn to ask them (he has to answer questions while he's in Washington).

Also, if I can find money to go to DC this summer, I can set up a staff tour with the DC interns. I can get tours to the Capitol and Pentagon that the normal public cannot get. Robin tells me that seeing the old Senate bathtubs are pretty interesting, as senators used to live in their offices back in the old days.

Whatever it brings, I think this internship is a good omen.