The Slurpee Syndrome

[greybeta]

Mah fine folk, pleeeeease excuse mah Southern Baptist accent, but Ah have to tell ya about the evil known as [James Earl Jones]THE SLURPEE SYNDROME[/James Earl Jones] spreadin' across Gawd’s greeeeen earth. Ah…[sniffles in a peculiarly phony manner]Ah…Ah have known brothas and sistas who have lost their lives to this great evil! Oh, Looooord, have mercy upon your children! What have we done, Heavenly Father? What have we done to deserve this punishment?

I will you that it is because we have fallen away from The Almiiiiighty One! But worry not, my fine folk! I have found two miraaaaaculous cures to this detestable Slurpee Syndrome! I was suspicious of this newfangled bloggin’ fenomeena, brothas and sistas, but let mah tell ya it works! I am a true belieeeeever, let mah tell ya! Let mah share with ya the answers to all of your problems…

The Ferrett School of Blogging
Ah wrote a story about my rodent sensei earlier in my bloggin' career and why Ah looked up to him so much (because the good rodent published my first web article ever). Now, Ah consider myself to be the sempai of The Ferrett School of Blogging.

Ah know the question that is on your minds, brothas and sistas.

What in Gawd’s name is The Ferrett School of Bloggin', and what is its dadgum purpose?

Well, the good rodent actually answered the second question to answer the first.

To quote his miiiiighty fine wife, the one and only Missus Ferrett (aka zoethe), “Ferrett refers to ‘The Slurpee Syndrome.’ Remember that your writing is competing with every distraction in the world. Every minute, you are trying to keep the reader from thinking, ‘you know, I could really go for a Slurpee’ and abandoning your words.” Fine folk, Ah know Missus Ferrett is studying to become a lawyer, so sometimes the miiiiighty fine lady can be a bit…um…elongated in her sugahry speech, if ya know what Ah mean. We all know liars learn to lie at lyin’ skool, so let mah give you the true meanin' of her pretty little words.

Ya see, brothas and sistas, the Slurpee Syndrome is a seeeeerious disease! Oh, Ah know what ya’ll are saying now, and ya’ll looking at me all weird wunderin’ what’s so bad about this eeeeevil Slurpee Syndrome? FOOLS! Don’t you know that eeeeevil Slurpee Syndrome is the number one cause of suicide on Gawd’s greeeeen earth? Today’s society lives at wahp speed with all of its tahrrid, instant messagin’-blind cahpy cahbon emailin’-fast food eatin’-quick microwavin’-cell phone ringin’-tivo recordin’-bittorrent downloadin' leisures. Now so called doctors try to profit themselves by trying to trick ya into taking all this unnecessary medication. But, fortunately for us, the Brotha Ferrett has come up with an amazin' solution to all of our problems.

Brothas and sistas, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease discover the cure in two parts, part one and part two. To give a short summary, we should try to be “essayists” in our bloggin’. Not just any kind of “essayists”, mind ya, but entertainin' “essayists”. This means writin' questions and not answers. This means givin’ ya time and plain ole effort to get the discussion goin'. This means sacrificin' the accuracy of the little details in favor of the tellin' a fine story.

Brothas and sistas, let mah testify to ya right now in the presence of our good Lord that Brotha Ferrett has found a true cure for da eeeeevil Slurpee Syndrome that plagues our world.

The ‘Song School of Blogging
Fine folk, there is another way if ya cannot see yaself followin' the good rodent. Ah have discovered a gawdly sista with a different but effective cure to the Slurpee Syndrome. This fine little belle calls herself shadesong, and she's a magical...uh...truthsaying...um...bard, if Ah remember correctly. Her sempai, the miiiiighty fabulous zarhooie, knows her so well that she can buy Sista ‘Song a great Christmas gift that's not even on Sister ‘Song’s wishlist. Ah admit Ah don’t quite understand these bamboozlin’ Internet friendships, but Ah do hear buying a Christmas present that's not on someone’s wishlist is miiiiighty difficult. Ah personally don’t have quite the same relationship with the good rodent, although Ah'd like to think that I am a fine folk of Missus Ferrett and Brotha Ferrett's sweet stepdaughter (susitna), who is so blithe and charmin'.

Sister ‘Song solves the Slurpee Syndrome simply by bein' herself. Who is she? Ah am actually not quite sure, but she says that she is a four foot eleven, polyamorous, epileptic, sexual assault surviving, Jewish, paganistic, dancin', motherin', punky, geeky best friend slash worst enemy a brotha or sista could ever have. Oh, and the good Lord has granted her the ability to write comic books as well.

Sister 'Song posts her daily thoughts and if that doesn’t interest you, then that is okay with her. But ya can learn so much about the human condition from the daily reports of a first-class writer. Some of you fine folk may consider it spam, but Ah tell ya to look closer and ya’ll be learnin' more about Gawd’s greeeeen earth and the struggles of humanity. That’s because Sister ‘Song already does most of her heavy thinking in her writin'. She wants to get to know people through her blog. Ah’ve heard it said that ya should never ask other folk to do what ya are unwilling to do yaself, and so it is that she reveals her personality through her writin'.

Conclusion
Fret not, fine friends, there is a cure for the eeeeevil Slurpee Syndrome! Though there may be other ways of bloggin', yet Ah truly belieeeeeeeve that Brotha Ferrett and Sista ‘Song have found two veritable cures. May the good Lord bless them both miiiiightily.

Now, mah fella brothas and sistas, will ya spread the good news with mah?

Comments

[theferrett.livejournal.com]

Ya see, brothas and sistas, the Slurpee Syndrome is a seeeeerious disease! Oh, Ah know what ya’ll are saying now, and ya’ll looking at me all weird wunderin’ what’s so bad about this eeeeevil Slurpee Syndrome? FOOLS! Don’t you know that eeeeevil Slurpee Syndrome is the number one cause of suicide on Gawd’s greeeeen earth? Today’s society lives at wahp speed with all of its tahrrid, instant messagin’-blind cahpy cahbon emailin’-fast food eatin’-quick microwavin’-cell phone ringin’-tivo recordin’-bittorrent downloadin' leisures. Now so called doctors try to profit themselves by trying to trick ya into taking all this unnecessary medication. But, fortunately for us, the Brotha Ferrett has come up with an amazin' solution to all of our problems.

Not to be mean, but I went out for a Slurpee right there.

Think about that paragraph. Aside from listing a bunch of stuff and trying to be witty by speaking evangelically, you are not moving towards your central point. In fact, at the end of the graf, as you acknowledge, you've basically wasted a large 'graf saying, "Hold on, if you get through this I'll tell you what you really wanted to know."

I hardly ever make jokes that don't move the narrative forward. Even when I go for a weird aside, I try to make it as brief as possible.

In this sense, if you're trying to capture my school, y'ain't gotten it right yet. You would have been much better served with this:

"The Ferrett School:
"Ferrett gives you his take on good writing right in the Star City submissions guidelines: 'When writing an article, always assume that your reader is just on the verge of going out for a ham sandwich. As such, it is your job to make every sentence so dazzling, so entertaining, that he will stay to read your words despite his hunger.'

"He's right. Every single sentence should matter. And since this paragraph's served its point, let's move on to the next blogger."

Sorry, pal, but I gots ya be honest.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Not to be mean, but I went out for a Slurpee right there.
Corrected by the master. I still have much to learn, sensei.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Secondary note: Very few people can write well in dialect. If you're not 100% sure you're one of them, don't do it. (I'm not one of them, either.)

Flatterer. :P

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Secondary note: Very few people can write well in dialect. If you're not 100% sure you're one of them, don't do it.
Duly noted. Although, it never hurts to experiment every once in awhile (You never know if you don't try. However, if you try and you can't do it, then you should stop).

And I admit it, I was a teacher's pet mostly because I was such a flatterer. ;)

[odclay.livejournal.com]

Oh, good Sempai, didja notice that my older blogging friends are not very pleased about my joining the school? Frankly, I don't see the big deal; I've read Maddox, and I know there's such thing as too many links, but I'm torn between staying in The Ferrett School or freestylin'. What to do, what to do?

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Just write in whatever style suits you best, Jacob-chan. And, if you notice, The Ferrett School only requires you to write for it a minimum of twice a week. All the other time you can write more in the style that appeases your old blogging friends, for they friended you for a reason.

On the other hand, the new year is an awfully convenient excuse to start anew. I mean if the Ferrett School is closer to who you are, then you should follow that path.

Or, in less words, what do you think?

[genuinechris.livejournal.com]

You are the most earnest blogger alive. I think that your ahead of me on the competence hierarchy.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Too bad you don't get any awards for being The Most Earnest Blogger Alive.

Also, being competent at blogging doesn't always translate to being compettent in the real world, I'm afraid.