![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greybetaI decided something. I'm no political expert, so I shouldn't be trying to act like one in my opinion writing. To switch it up, I changed the focus of my article to concentrate encouraging people my age to vote. This is the version that I sent to my opinion editor, with a little advertising for a voting event hosted by the politcal organizations on campus.
I'm weak, I restated the media. I'm still rambling like a history major, but I'll do my best to fix that in the next one.
I'm trying to connect more with my Tulsa (TU) campus, so mentioning them directly should be a good start in that direction.
I'm considering making these posts friends only, just in case some random guy decides to steal my ideas. Could I get some thoughts on that?
As always, criticism is appreciated.
Media Perception
Daniel Tu
When the mainstream media considers Bush’s platform, one constant stands out. A date from three years ago keeps popping up in Bush’s rhetoric. He keeps repeating how well he’s managed the nation since that traumatic event. Terrorists threaten America’s freedom everywhere, yet America stands proud and strong. It’s difficult for a college student to tease out a candidate’s true aims when TV and radio stations blast away with expert opinion after expert opinion.
Objectively, Bush says what he must say to get elected. Yet, a short review of his policies reveals inconsistencies in his programs. One of his domestic policies, No Child Left Behind, quantifies education through standardized tests. A school must continually improve its test scores to move up in the program. However, standardized tests are notorious for inaccurately predicting a child’s success. They may be right ninety percent of the time, but that still leaves the other ten percent to suffer.
On economic policies, Bush advocates tax cuts. He notably pushes for these tax cuts when America fights a war in two countries. That’s like maxing out your credit card to buy a plasma screen TV and then borrowing money to go on a Caribbean cruise. Bush spends money that he doesn’t have. Unlike the average college student, however, the U.S. government can borrow all the billions of dollars it wants to pay for its programs. Inevitably, the national debt balloons as Bush wages his anti-terror campaign.
Bush hopes that the upcoming presidential election will be a referendum on foreign policy. In his political speeches, he hammers home the point that America rid the world of an evil named Saddam Hussein. While the American people support freeing unfortunate souls from tyranny, they also remember that America sent troops to Iraq because President Bush convinced the American people that Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction. As soon as the possibility of not finding those weapons surfaced, Bush began to reason that we invaded Iraq out of so called humanitarian reasons. Those reasons would include giving contracts to Haliburton and controlling Iraq’s oil fields. If America truly considered tyranny a problem in today’s world, we would mobilize troops in Africa. We do not do so because we will not monetarily profit from it.
Switching gears to social issues, Bush’s strong Christian overtones draw the support of social conservatives across the nation. For example, the GOP admits to printing pamphlets in Arkansas warning that liberals would ban the Bible. To galvanize right wing support, Bush comes out strongly on social issues like his proposed constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He could be rational and support civil unions, but he’s too afraid of alienating the far right.
Having considered this, the Democrats should have run away with this election. The media reports that the Democrats will lose because their presidential candidate Kerry has refused to sway from his anti-Bush plan. Everyday, some political expert pleads with Kerry to quit mudslinging with Bush. The more negative ads appear on television, the more people will avoid the election. This falls into the Republicans’ hands because the American public will then think that there’s no difference between the candidates.
The mainstream media also supposes that once Senator Kerry stands up for himself, Bush is doomed. According to political pundits, the Bush campaign banks on the fact that Kerry won’t make such a bold move. The Republicans attack Kerry knowing they will invoke a response, one that will further the negativity of this election season. The Democrats defend Kerry believing they must return fire, following the adage that turnabout is fair play. Salvo after salvo fills the broadcast waves with negative ads that bombard the American public.
In this Internet age, the sheer volume of media coverage on the election overwhelms America, especially college students. However, TU students can learn more about the election at the Rock the Vote event on Tuesday, October 5th. The event organizer gave me her personal guarantee that the “Everywhere but Florida” video will help cure voter apathy. With both the College Republicans and Young Democrats in attendance, it will provide a great opportunity for TU students to understand the upcoming presidential election through our peers rather than some random political expert on CNN.
I'm weak, I restated the media. I'm still rambling like a history major, but I'll do my best to fix that in the next one.
I'm trying to connect more with my Tulsa (TU) campus, so mentioning them directly should be a good start in that direction.
I'm considering making these posts friends only, just in case some random guy decides to steal my ideas. Could I get some thoughts on that?
As always, criticism is appreciated.
Media Perception
Daniel Tu
When the mainstream media considers Bush’s platform, one constant stands out. A date from three years ago keeps popping up in Bush’s rhetoric. He keeps repeating how well he’s managed the nation since that traumatic event. Terrorists threaten America’s freedom everywhere, yet America stands proud and strong. It’s difficult for a college student to tease out a candidate’s true aims when TV and radio stations blast away with expert opinion after expert opinion.
Objectively, Bush says what he must say to get elected. Yet, a short review of his policies reveals inconsistencies in his programs. One of his domestic policies, No Child Left Behind, quantifies education through standardized tests. A school must continually improve its test scores to move up in the program. However, standardized tests are notorious for inaccurately predicting a child’s success. They may be right ninety percent of the time, but that still leaves the other ten percent to suffer.
On economic policies, Bush advocates tax cuts. He notably pushes for these tax cuts when America fights a war in two countries. That’s like maxing out your credit card to buy a plasma screen TV and then borrowing money to go on a Caribbean cruise. Bush spends money that he doesn’t have. Unlike the average college student, however, the U.S. government can borrow all the billions of dollars it wants to pay for its programs. Inevitably, the national debt balloons as Bush wages his anti-terror campaign.
Bush hopes that the upcoming presidential election will be a referendum on foreign policy. In his political speeches, he hammers home the point that America rid the world of an evil named Saddam Hussein. While the American people support freeing unfortunate souls from tyranny, they also remember that America sent troops to Iraq because President Bush convinced the American people that Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction. As soon as the possibility of not finding those weapons surfaced, Bush began to reason that we invaded Iraq out of so called humanitarian reasons. Those reasons would include giving contracts to Haliburton and controlling Iraq’s oil fields. If America truly considered tyranny a problem in today’s world, we would mobilize troops in Africa. We do not do so because we will not monetarily profit from it.
Switching gears to social issues, Bush’s strong Christian overtones draw the support of social conservatives across the nation. For example, the GOP admits to printing pamphlets in Arkansas warning that liberals would ban the Bible. To galvanize right wing support, Bush comes out strongly on social issues like his proposed constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He could be rational and support civil unions, but he’s too afraid of alienating the far right.
Having considered this, the Democrats should have run away with this election. The media reports that the Democrats will lose because their presidential candidate Kerry has refused to sway from his anti-Bush plan. Everyday, some political expert pleads with Kerry to quit mudslinging with Bush. The more negative ads appear on television, the more people will avoid the election. This falls into the Republicans’ hands because the American public will then think that there’s no difference between the candidates.
The mainstream media also supposes that once Senator Kerry stands up for himself, Bush is doomed. According to political pundits, the Bush campaign banks on the fact that Kerry won’t make such a bold move. The Republicans attack Kerry knowing they will invoke a response, one that will further the negativity of this election season. The Democrats defend Kerry believing they must return fire, following the adage that turnabout is fair play. Salvo after salvo fills the broadcast waves with negative ads that bombard the American public.
In this Internet age, the sheer volume of media coverage on the election overwhelms America, especially college students. However, TU students can learn more about the election at the Rock the Vote event on Tuesday, October 5th. The event organizer gave me her personal guarantee that the “Everywhere but Florida” video will help cure voter apathy. With both the College Republicans and Young Democrats in attendance, it will provide a great opportunity for TU students to understand the upcoming presidential election through our peers rather than some random political expert on CNN.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-09-30 06:01 am (UTC)Terrorists threaten America's freedom everywhere, yet America stands proud and strong
I'm assuming that this is a view you're attributing to Bush. That's not explicitly stated, however. I would clarify that.
...No Child Left Behind, quantifies education through standardized tests
This is awkward as well as confusing. How can education be quantified?
However, standardized tests are notorious for inaccurately predicting a child’s success. They may be right ninety percent of the time, but that still leaves the other ten percent to suffer.
If you're going to use this as a counter-argument against No Child Left Behind, you really need more than a vague argument supported by a vague statistic. Do a bit of reading about standardized testing and about what happens to children who don't test well. It's important to be able to support your arguments.
While the American people support freeing unfortunate souls from tyranny, they also remember that America sent troops to Iraq because...
If I were writing this, I would also throw out the point that the majority of the world's governments are NOT democratic and that we have VERY nice trading deals with some of them. Saudia Arabia, China, and Russia are three easy examples that spring to mind. I haven't heard any talk of invading any of them recently...
Those reasons would include giving contracts to Halliburton and controlling Iraq's oil fields
You can't throw something like this out there without defending it. A few examples of your point would be ridiculously easy to Google. But if you just throw things out there like that, you can be dismissed as someone who is just making up things about the candidate he doesn't like.
Now - some more general points.
Your article can't decide what it wants to be. Half of it is an article decrying Bush's domestic and foreign policies. The other half is a discussion of the media's coverage of the campaign. While both are interesting topics in their own right, they both deserve their own article. The two topics feel forced together unnaturally and there are spots where the lack of transition from discussion of Bush's policies to the media and back again are jarring. For instance, your opening paragraph. The sentences about Bush's policy are bold, the ones about the media are italicized.
When the mainstream media considers Bush’s platform, one constant stands out. A date from three years ago keeps popping up in Bush’s rhetoric. He keeps repeating how well he’s managed the nation since that traumatic event. Terrorists threaten America’s freedom everywhere, yet America stands proud and strong. It’s difficult for a college student to tease out a candidate’s true aims when TV and radio stations blast away with expert opinion after expert opinion.
Or:
Switching gears to social issues, Bush’s strong Christian overtones draw the support of social conservatives across the nation. For example, the GOP admits to printing pamphlets in Arkansas warning that liberals would ban the Bible. To galvanize right wing support, Bush comes out strongly on social issues like his proposed constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He could be rational and support civil unions, but he’s too afraid of alienating the far right.
Do you see how confusing that is?
Now, all of this is not to say your writing is bad - because it isn't. But what I am trying to say is that it needs to be better organized. Something that I always do when writing essays is make an outline. It doesn't have to be overly detailed. Just make a list of the points you want to make and some of the sub-points that spring to mind, and jot down transitions that spring to mind as well. This will help you narrow down to one topic and seperate out all the things that aren't neccessary to make your point. It will also help your writing feel more consistent.
...and that's about all the time I have for feedback. I apologize if any of this is badly written or disorganized (pot calling kettle?), but I've written this all in the fifteen minutes before my boss comes in from her computer. ^_-
Good luck in future efforts.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-30 08:12 am (UTC)I'm assuming that this is a view you're attributing to Bush. That's not explicitly stated, however. I would clarify that.
I should have made that point clearer.
This is awkward as well as confusing. How can education be quantified?
That's my point. How can education be quantified? It can't, so Bush's educational program isn't going to work.
If you're going to use this as a counter-argument against No Child Left Behind, you really need more than a vague argument supported by a vague statistic. Do a bit of reading about standardized testing and about what happens to children who don't test well. It's important to be able to support your arguments.
I see. I definitely need to focus more on one topic.
If I were writing this, I would also throw out the point that the majority of the world's governments are NOT democratic and that we have VERY nice trading deals with some of them. Saudia Arabia, China, and Russia are three easy examples that spring to mind. I haven't heard any talk of invading any of them recently...
Wow, that's a great point. I wish I could have thought of that before I submitted this.
Do you see how confusing that is?
Dang, it is rather confusing.
Now, all of this is not to say your writing is bad - because it isn't. But what I am trying to say is that it needs to be better organized. Something that I always do when writing essays is make an outline. It doesn't have to be overly detailed. Just make a list of the points you want to make and some of the sub-points that spring to mind, and jot down transitions that spring to mind as well. This will help you narrow down to one topic and seperate out all the things that aren't neccessary to make your point. It will also help your writing feel more consistent.
Advice noted for future reference. This will take some work though, as I'm ergophobic.
...and that's about all the time I have for feedback. I apologize if any of this is badly written or disorganized (pot calling kettle?), but I've written this all in the fifteen minutes before my boss comes in from her computer. ^_-
You caught that in just fifteen minutes? My writing does need to improve :).
A hearty thanks for time you spent to help out a fledgling writer. I'll need all the luck I can get.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-01 05:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-01 08:42 am (UTC)