A sword in a rock

[greybeta]

Words haunt me. They come and go, but certain ones stick in my head, repeating themselves over and over again.

It just kind of consumes you.

Those words were spoken to me by a professor of Vietnamese history, at the conference that I attended over spring break. He was talking about his research. For some reason, his words resound in my head over and over. And it dawns upon me why I have not been feeling so well for the past few weeks.

I am afraid.

Let me explain. I’m drifting right now. I ask myself, how committed am I to the path I have chosen? Deep inside, I know that I have to pull this sword out of a rock. I already possess the abilities to masterfully wield this sword, but it will take long years of practice and patience to sharpen my skills. And all I have to do is pull out the sword. But I’m too lazy to pull out the sword.

More likely, I am afraid to.

I am afraid that I will be consumed by my choice. That, somehow, I’ll get so wrapped up in what I’m doing that I’ll forget who I am. Being academia has a strong appeal, but it’s a long arduous path that does not guarantee success. It’s like a seven year gamble in which I must obtain my doctorate or else. And at the end of that tunnel, I’m not exactly going to be making the ton of money my parents envisioned me earning with my talents.

But I do care about Vietnam, and the history of my people. I can’t deny that there’s something about it that touches me deep inside. Then there are times when I wish I could be blissfully ignorant. I wish I could follow conventional wisdom, which is just to worry about yourself first. Use your skillz to pay the billz.

It’s times like this that I must confess how selfish of a person I am. I want to reserve my talents, to better mankind. At least, that’s what I was taught growing up. But general intentions aren’t enough. I have to be willing to show a commitment to what I want to change. Except, I seem to be satisfied with the status quo.

I still have not made that leap. I’m only halfway in, and that’s no good. I’m drifting, waiting for something to tell me that I’m making the right call. I wanted to be able to make a choice, but I’m not committed to that choice.

I still see that sword in a rock. It calls to me, but I refuse to answer its call. I…feel tired all of the sudden, not well in the head.

What do I have to be afraid of?

Comments

[happydog.livejournal.com]

change maybe, because change is scary. Not many people like to change.

I also note that when your True Path calls to you, it is often frightening. The teacher of my teacher (if you will take advice from a witch) said, "Anything worth doing is dangerous."

you might also be afraid of yourself. You said as much.

I am afraid that I will be consumed by my choice. That, somehow, I’ll get so wrapped up in what I’m doing that I’ll forget who I am.

are you afraid of being, or are you afraid of becoming? because the way I see it, there really is no "being," there is only a constant process of "becoming." You have never stayed the same ever in your life. Every moment is a choice, and every choice moves you forward through time, and changes what you are into what you are becoming.

and finally: it is my observation that who we think we are is actually much smaller than who we really are.

so pull the sword. Or as Eric Burdon once said, "Spill the wine, take that pearl."

[kimmaline.livejournal.com]

That was bomb, HD. Next time I'm all screwed up, I'm writing you.

[happydog.livejournal.com]

feel free! I just try to do the best I can...

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

It seems like it's up to me. Which could be the scariest thing of all.

[happydog.livejournal.com]

yep, it always is. But the thing is, I feel like you're the kind of guy that could pull the sword, spill the wine, take that pearl. Because otherwise you wouldn't even be thinking about it.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Spill the wine and take that pearl? What's that from?

[happydog.livejournal.com]

it's a song called "Spill the Wine" by War, featuring Eric Burdon on vocals. You might remember War from their song "Low Rider" and Eric Burdon was the lead singer for the Animals ("House of the Rising Sun," "We Gotta Get Out Of This Place," etc.)

Just a Reminder...

[kimmaline.livejournal.com]

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~ As Quoted in Nelson Mandela's 1994 Inaugural Speech...original text by Marianne Williamson

Re: Just a Reminder...

[cheesentoast.livejournal.com]

You beat me to it! I was just going to post that. :)

Re: Just a Reminder...

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

You know what's funny? I read over that in my time of searching. I guess sometimes there's nothing to do but move forward.

[sunfell.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I think that the thing which is truly feared is that vast choice of opportunity that youth gives one. I mean, the future is totally open to you, and you get to choose what path to take.

Which one? What if it's the wrong one?

Guess what: there are no 'wrong' paths, but there can be difficult ones, or ones that you change later. Here's the rub: sometimes the path that looks simple is not. And sometimes the one that looks difficult is perfectly suited to your personality and needs, and becomes a joy.

I should know, as I have had the opportunity to do both. First the 'simple' path of my military career that turned hellish in the end, and then the difficult seeming path of rolling my own career that has led me to where I am now- doing something I love and getting paid to do it.

It's OK not to be totally satisfied. That spurs you on. When it is hard to get out of bed to face something is when you should worry and consider changing your route. It is people who ignore the pain and frustration of a bad fit who suffer from it. Remember that.

If life consumes you- consume it back.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

It's just seems more difficult when the future seems so nebulous.

[culculhen.livejournal.com]

All these people gave so good advice I can only add one thing

Excelsior!


You can take time to do what you want, most people feel this way when confronted with choices which bring big changes in life. And In my experience the more talent, the bigger the doubt and apprehension.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

In one of my favorite books, The Alchemist, right before the main character achieves his personal legend is when he is most doubts his path. I feel like I am at this point right now.