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greybetaSome people stop updating their blogs simply because they get too busy. I wish I could say that was my case. Instead, all I can so is that I stopped blogging because I wasn’t busy. Allow me to start with how I was dragged back in the first place...
I hadn’t really disappeared into the aether, I’ve merely been doing nothing for the last several months. Nada. Zip. Less than zero. That is to say, wasting my time doing nothing really.
Then I joined a random anime site to pass the time. Out of force of habit, I used my old AIM handle. Lo and behold, one of my old friends decides to do a google search for my old AIM handle. He noticed that the join date was fairly recent so he joined the site and sent me a few private messages. He subtly hinted at who he was before revealing himself.
Well, if someone is going to go through that kind of effort to track me down, I suppose I should call him.
Although, a part of me wonders why people won’t let me disappear.
Anyways, I’ve heard that you can notice your children grow quickly if you spend time away from them. Seeing a young infant grow day-to-day is much different from seeing them grow after you’ve been gone for a week on a business trip. In much the same way, while time stopped for me, my friends had all moved forward.
Time stopped for me a while ago because I didn’t want to move forward. That was a terrible idea in retrospect, but hindsight is 20/20.
I just woke up one day and knew that time had stopped for me. I didn’t want to do anything. The sad thing was that I didn’t want to admit it, nor did I admit it to anyone. On the surface I seemed perfectly normal. Deep inside, I was simply empty.
It wasn’t a depression. It was a simple denial of reality. It didn’t matter what I did.
I had become so good at hiding my feelings that I hid them from myself.
So I blanked out. My parents say I was strangely aware of what I was doing but they couldn’t do anything about it. I didn’t touch a computer for several months.
In today’s world, not touching a computer is akin to death.
After awhile, I simply avoided contact with my past. Which is a childish, irresponsible thing to do if you leave it abruptly. I just didn’t think it was worth the trouble of remaking severed links.
But, as another friend reminded me, the things that I think are insignificant can actually be things that are insignificant. That I left an impression on people that I couldn’t erase merely by forgetting about it.
If I were to boil it down to a sin, it would be the sin of sloth. I wanted something but I didn’t want to put the effort into it. In fact, I still don’t want to put the effort into it.
But, those kinds of people aren’t worth much, the people who don’t put effort into things. I’m devaluing myself by allowing myself to wallow in stagnation. So, in the end, I can only understand one thing people are telling me.
I am not that kind of person.
I hadn’t really disappeared into the aether, I’ve merely been doing nothing for the last several months. Nada. Zip. Less than zero. That is to say, wasting my time doing nothing really.
Then I joined a random anime site to pass the time. Out of force of habit, I used my old AIM handle. Lo and behold, one of my old friends decides to do a google search for my old AIM handle. He noticed that the join date was fairly recent so he joined the site and sent me a few private messages. He subtly hinted at who he was before revealing himself.
Well, if someone is going to go through that kind of effort to track me down, I suppose I should call him.
Although, a part of me wonders why people won’t let me disappear.
Anyways, I’ve heard that you can notice your children grow quickly if you spend time away from them. Seeing a young infant grow day-to-day is much different from seeing them grow after you’ve been gone for a week on a business trip. In much the same way, while time stopped for me, my friends had all moved forward.
Time stopped for me a while ago because I didn’t want to move forward. That was a terrible idea in retrospect, but hindsight is 20/20.
I just woke up one day and knew that time had stopped for me. I didn’t want to do anything. The sad thing was that I didn’t want to admit it, nor did I admit it to anyone. On the surface I seemed perfectly normal. Deep inside, I was simply empty.
It wasn’t a depression. It was a simple denial of reality. It didn’t matter what I did.
I had become so good at hiding my feelings that I hid them from myself.
So I blanked out. My parents say I was strangely aware of what I was doing but they couldn’t do anything about it. I didn’t touch a computer for several months.
In today’s world, not touching a computer is akin to death.
After awhile, I simply avoided contact with my past. Which is a childish, irresponsible thing to do if you leave it abruptly. I just didn’t think it was worth the trouble of remaking severed links.
But, as another friend reminded me, the things that I think are insignificant can actually be things that are insignificant. That I left an impression on people that I couldn’t erase merely by forgetting about it.
If I were to boil it down to a sin, it would be the sin of sloth. I wanted something but I didn’t want to put the effort into it. In fact, I still don’t want to put the effort into it.
But, those kinds of people aren’t worth much, the people who don’t put effort into things. I’m devaluing myself by allowing myself to wallow in stagnation. So, in the end, I can only understand one thing people are telling me.
I am not that kind of person.
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no subject
Date: 2007-04-09 03:13 pm (UTC)Glad you didn't drop into a well, but feel free to ignore us at your leisure!
no subject
Date: 2007-04-09 06:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-09 06:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 04:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-09 09:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 04:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 12:45 am (UTC)We missed you.
Oh - and personally? I think this is the best writing I've ever seen out of you.
((hug))
no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 04:43 am (UTC)*hugs*
Followed you here from Msr Ferret...
Date: 2007-04-13 04:29 pm (UTC)Ha. Yeah, I watched all of Heroes and the new Battlestar Galactica in a three week period online. Yay for Heroes being completely on NBC's site and BSG being on tv.co.uk or some such name like that.
I watch Soap (season four, the last one sadly) with my husband at nights before he locks himself away and I retreat to the guest room where I live.
I'm ready to break out of it, but it's a difficult place to leave. Looking forward to reading your agnostic realization.
Re: Followed you here from Msr Ferret...
Date: 2007-04-13 07:17 pm (UTC)And yeah, it's nice to cut myself off from society so I don't have hear the cacophony of voices but one cannot live in that state forever. Though it's awesome to catch up on anime through Youtube and Bittorrent.
Oddly enough, you're the second person to add me in two days after reading a few posts. I'm afraid I won't always be this insightful, however. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-04-14 01:49 pm (UTC)I have to lay hands on computers- it's my job. Sure, I could refuse to go to my Usual Places and do my Usual Things, but I have friends who would track me down and see if I'd broken my hands or something.
But crossing the Abyss is always a personal and private journey- and always made alone. It's amazing to see what you ditch while inside it, and who you are when you evaluate things on the other side.
But I am glad you're back, and I am looking forward to hearing what you have to say.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-14 02:32 pm (UTC)