First, I'd like to highlight some phrases. Keep in mind you DID ask for criticism. ^_-
Terrorists threaten America's freedom everywhere, yet America stands proud and strong I'm assuming that this is a view you're attributing to Bush. That's not explicitly stated, however. I would clarify that.
...No Child Left Behind, quantifies education through standardized tests This is awkward as well as confusing. How can education be quantified?
However, standardized tests are notorious for inaccurately predicting a child’s success. They may be right ninety percent of the time, but that still leaves the other ten percent to suffer. If you're going to use this as a counter-argument against No Child Left Behind, you really need more than a vague argument supported by a vague statistic. Do a bit of reading about standardized testing and about what happens to children who don't test well. It's important to be able to support your arguments.
While the American people support freeing unfortunate souls from tyranny, they also remember that America sent troops to Iraq because... If I were writing this, I would also throw out the point that the majority of the world's governments are NOT democratic and that we have VERY nice trading deals with some of them. Saudia Arabia, China, and Russia are three easy examples that spring to mind. I haven't heard any talk of invading any of them recently...
Those reasons would include giving contracts to Halliburton and controlling Iraq's oil fields You can't throw something like this out there without defending it. A few examples of your point would be ridiculously easy to Google. But if you just throw things out there like that, you can be dismissed as someone who is just making up things about the candidate he doesn't like.
Now - some more general points.
Your article can't decide what it wants to be. Half of it is an article decrying Bush's domestic and foreign policies. The other half is a discussion of the media's coverage of the campaign. While both are interesting topics in their own right, they both deserve their own article. The two topics feel forced together unnaturally and there are spots where the lack of transition from discussion of Bush's policies to the media and back again are jarring. For instance, your opening paragraph. The sentences about Bush's policy are bold, the ones about the media are italicized.
When the mainstream media considers Bush’s platform, one constant stands out. A date from three years ago keeps popping up in Bush’s rhetoric. He keeps repeating how well he’s managed the nation since that traumatic event. Terrorists threaten America’s freedom everywhere, yet America stands proud and strong. It’s difficult for a college student to tease out a candidate’s true aims when TV and radio stations blast away with expert opinion after expert opinion.
Or:
Switching gears to social issues, Bush’s strong Christian overtones draw the support of social conservatives across the nation. For example, the GOP admits to printing pamphlets in Arkansas warning that liberals would ban the Bible. To galvanize right wing support, Bush comes out strongly on social issues like his proposed constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He could be rational and support civil unions, but he’s too afraid of alienating the far right.
Do you see how confusing that is?
Now, all of this is not to say your writing is bad - because it isn't. But what I am trying to say is that it needs to be better organized. Something that I always do when writing essays is make an outline. It doesn't have to be overly detailed. Just make a list of the points you want to make and some of the sub-points that spring to mind, and jot down transitions that spring to mind as well. This will help you narrow down to one topic and seperate out all the things that aren't neccessary to make your point. It will also help your writing feel more consistent.
...and that's about all the time I have for feedback. I apologize if any of this is badly written or disorganized (pot calling kettle?), but I've written this all in the fifteen minutes before my boss comes in from her computer. ^_-
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Date: 2004-09-30 06:01 am (UTC)Terrorists threaten America's freedom everywhere, yet America stands proud and strong
I'm assuming that this is a view you're attributing to Bush. That's not explicitly stated, however. I would clarify that.
...No Child Left Behind, quantifies education through standardized tests
This is awkward as well as confusing. How can education be quantified?
However, standardized tests are notorious for inaccurately predicting a child’s success. They may be right ninety percent of the time, but that still leaves the other ten percent to suffer.
If you're going to use this as a counter-argument against No Child Left Behind, you really need more than a vague argument supported by a vague statistic. Do a bit of reading about standardized testing and about what happens to children who don't test well. It's important to be able to support your arguments.
While the American people support freeing unfortunate souls from tyranny, they also remember that America sent troops to Iraq because...
If I were writing this, I would also throw out the point that the majority of the world's governments are NOT democratic and that we have VERY nice trading deals with some of them. Saudia Arabia, China, and Russia are three easy examples that spring to mind. I haven't heard any talk of invading any of them recently...
Those reasons would include giving contracts to Halliburton and controlling Iraq's oil fields
You can't throw something like this out there without defending it. A few examples of your point would be ridiculously easy to Google. But if you just throw things out there like that, you can be dismissed as someone who is just making up things about the candidate he doesn't like.
Now - some more general points.
Your article can't decide what it wants to be. Half of it is an article decrying Bush's domestic and foreign policies. The other half is a discussion of the media's coverage of the campaign. While both are interesting topics in their own right, they both deserve their own article. The two topics feel forced together unnaturally and there are spots where the lack of transition from discussion of Bush's policies to the media and back again are jarring. For instance, your opening paragraph. The sentences about Bush's policy are bold, the ones about the media are italicized.
When the mainstream media considers Bush’s platform, one constant stands out. A date from three years ago keeps popping up in Bush’s rhetoric. He keeps repeating how well he’s managed the nation since that traumatic event. Terrorists threaten America’s freedom everywhere, yet America stands proud and strong. It’s difficult for a college student to tease out a candidate’s true aims when TV and radio stations blast away with expert opinion after expert opinion.
Or:
Switching gears to social issues, Bush’s strong Christian overtones draw the support of social conservatives across the nation. For example, the GOP admits to printing pamphlets in Arkansas warning that liberals would ban the Bible. To galvanize right wing support, Bush comes out strongly on social issues like his proposed constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He could be rational and support civil unions, but he’s too afraid of alienating the far right.
Do you see how confusing that is?
Now, all of this is not to say your writing is bad - because it isn't. But what I am trying to say is that it needs to be better organized. Something that I always do when writing essays is make an outline. It doesn't have to be overly detailed. Just make a list of the points you want to make and some of the sub-points that spring to mind, and jot down transitions that spring to mind as well. This will help you narrow down to one topic and seperate out all the things that aren't neccessary to make your point. It will also help your writing feel more consistent.
...and that's about all the time I have for feedback. I apologize if any of this is badly written or disorganized (pot calling kettle?), but I've written this all in the fifteen minutes before my boss comes in from her computer. ^_-
Good luck in future efforts.