So I got to thinking...
Dec. 29th, 2004 01:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greybetaWhen you’re staring on the window of a minivan on a long road trip to Austin, Texas, you get to thinking. Some people think happy thoughts. Others allow their troubles to occupy their attention.
My fine friends, I am given to severe bouts of melancholy introspection.
Usually, I don’t find anything new. I already know that I’m the best (as Wario would say). Every once in awhile, though, I get that click. That click of insight, where everything arranges itself in my mind so that I understand something new.
So I got to thinking. How can I do all the things that I’ve put on my plate? I seem to recall being able to do a whole lot in high school…
*random flashback sound effect*
Current self: So how do you all the stuff that you do, high school self?
High school self: I think I do things because my parents want me to do. I think I do things for the praise of others.
Current self: Oh, but don’t you think that’s a rather uninspired way to live?
High school self: If you say so, then it must be.
Current self: Aren’t you sure about anything?
High school self: I don’t know, you tell me.
Current self: Sigh…
*fade to present*
Although I’ve realized living for the praise of others is an empty way to live your life, I still haven’t fully mastered the ability to overcome the mental need for it. It’s like I need my parents to support what I want to do, but I don’t always feel that is the case. They say that I can do what I want, but for some reason I can only sense their doubt. I know what I want, yet I often deny what I want.
Because I seek affirmation of my abilities, I am utterly fascinated when someone comments on me as a person. It is as if they are holding a mirror in front of me, reflecting who I am inside. That is not necessarily a bad thing, at least until it becomes an obsession. There are times I wonder what people truly say about me. People can say one thing to my face but say the opposite behind my back.
To avoid unnecessary unpleasantries, I often play a rather distant and polite character. The dilemma of a hedgehog, so I have heard. Others can’t get too close to me because I won’t let others hurt me and I won’t hurt others. I fancy there’s a mean and bitter person inside of me, waiting for each and every opportunity to lash out. I have to act my best to cover the other Daniel inside of me.
Click.
I’ve got to quit worrying about what others think about me so much, especially my parents. Yes, it’s important to reflect ideas off other people, but I have a self-worth that is not determined by others’ opinions. I certainly will not wake up tomorrow and be cured of my self-doubts, for it takes time for these kinds of things to sink in. This type of thing is beyond your typical New Year’s resolution. I trust the good Lord will help me though this.
My fine friends, I am given to severe bouts of melancholy introspection.
Usually, I don’t find anything new. I already know that I’m the best (as Wario would say). Every once in awhile, though, I get that click. That click of insight, where everything arranges itself in my mind so that I understand something new.
So I got to thinking. How can I do all the things that I’ve put on my plate? I seem to recall being able to do a whole lot in high school…
*random flashback sound effect*
Current self: So how do you all the stuff that you do, high school self?
High school self: I think I do things because my parents want me to do. I think I do things for the praise of others.
Current self: Oh, but don’t you think that’s a rather uninspired way to live?
High school self: If you say so, then it must be.
Current self: Aren’t you sure about anything?
High school self: I don’t know, you tell me.
Current self: Sigh…
*fade to present*
Although I’ve realized living for the praise of others is an empty way to live your life, I still haven’t fully mastered the ability to overcome the mental need for it. It’s like I need my parents to support what I want to do, but I don’t always feel that is the case. They say that I can do what I want, but for some reason I can only sense their doubt. I know what I want, yet I often deny what I want.
Because I seek affirmation of my abilities, I am utterly fascinated when someone comments on me as a person. It is as if they are holding a mirror in front of me, reflecting who I am inside. That is not necessarily a bad thing, at least until it becomes an obsession. There are times I wonder what people truly say about me. People can say one thing to my face but say the opposite behind my back.
To avoid unnecessary unpleasantries, I often play a rather distant and polite character. The dilemma of a hedgehog, so I have heard. Others can’t get too close to me because I won’t let others hurt me and I won’t hurt others. I fancy there’s a mean and bitter person inside of me, waiting for each and every opportunity to lash out. I have to act my best to cover the other Daniel inside of me.
Click.
I’ve got to quit worrying about what others think about me so much, especially my parents. Yes, it’s important to reflect ideas off other people, but I have a self-worth that is not determined by others’ opinions. I certainly will not wake up tomorrow and be cured of my self-doubts, for it takes time for these kinds of things to sink in. This type of thing is beyond your typical New Year’s resolution. I trust the good Lord will help me though this.
