So I got to thinking...

[greybeta]

When you’re staring on the window of a minivan on a long road trip to Austin, Texas, you get to thinking. Some people think happy thoughts. Others allow their troubles to occupy their attention.

My fine friends, I am given to severe bouts of melancholy introspection.

Usually, I don’t find anything new. I already know that I’m the best (as Wario would say). Every once in awhile, though, I get that click. That click of insight, where everything arranges itself in my mind so that I understand something new.

So I got to thinking. How can I do all the things that I’ve put on my plate? I seem to recall being able to do a whole lot in high school…

*random flashback sound effect*

Current self: So how do you all the stuff that you do, high school self?
High school self: I think I do things because my parents want me to do. I think I do things for the praise of others.
Current self: Oh, but don’t you think that’s a rather uninspired way to live?
High school self: If you say so, then it must be.
Current self: Aren’t you sure about anything?
High school self: I don’t know, you tell me.
Current self: Sigh…

*fade to present*

Although I’ve realized living for the praise of others is an empty way to live your life, I still haven’t fully mastered the ability to overcome the mental need for it. It’s like I need my parents to support what I want to do, but I don’t always feel that is the case. They say that I can do what I want, but for some reason I can only sense their doubt. I know what I want, yet I often deny what I want.

Because I seek affirmation of my abilities, I am utterly fascinated when someone comments on me as a person. It is as if they are holding a mirror in front of me, reflecting who I am inside. That is not necessarily a bad thing, at least until it becomes an obsession. There are times I wonder what people truly say about me. People can say one thing to my face but say the opposite behind my back.

To avoid unnecessary unpleasantries, I often play a rather distant and polite character. The dilemma of a hedgehog, so I have heard. Others can’t get too close to me because I won’t let others hurt me and I won’t hurt others. I fancy there’s a mean and bitter person inside of me, waiting for each and every opportunity to lash out. I have to act my best to cover the other Daniel inside of me.

Click.

I’ve got to quit worrying about what others think about me so much, especially my parents. Yes, it’s important to reflect ideas off other people, but I have a self-worth that is not determined by others’ opinions. I certainly will not wake up tomorrow and be cured of my self-doubts, for it takes time for these kinds of things to sink in. This type of thing is beyond your typical New Year’s resolution. I trust the good Lord will help me though this.

Comments

[cheesentoast.livejournal.com]

*smiles* What a lovely introspective realization. I think this is something most of us struggle with if we know it or not. I pray you'll be able to work through it.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[paranoidgrl.livejournal.com]

I think personal goals and how to live your life are what you're supposed to think about at college. There's no right or wrong, it's just how you're going to feel the most fulfilled.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

I see. That actually makes a lot of sense.

[lousy-timing.livejournal.com]

Even the prickles on a hedgehog don't have to hurt if touched the right way.

We have some things in common, you and I. You should be proud that you're asking these questions of yourself at the age you are at, and looking at moving upon your answers. Some wait much longer, some never stir.

Pick one thing, move on it. Be prepared, though, because at first, you might go a little overboard. That stops after you get used to letting *yourself* speak or do for you, instead of being a puppet or a doormat.

You can be assertive and still be the polite person that you are. It's all about balance.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Finding that balance is going to be a rather lengthy process, I do believe.

[lousy-timing.livejournal.com]

Yes, it takes a long time. That's why it's impressive that you're starting now. You'll get where you're going before you're too old to enjoy it.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Uh...I hate to ask these type of questions, but are you speaking from experience here?

[lousy-timing.livejournal.com]

Completely.

I've been working on this for several years.

Don't ever hesitate to ask questions of me. I look at my life as a lesson for everyone, not just for me.

[wldntulk2knwwho.livejournal.com]

Yukino Miyazawa says, "Hard work is worth the effort!"

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

I knew I would like Kare Kano merely from the description of it. I have both the strengths and weaknesses of Miyazawa and Arima.

[wldntulk2knwwho.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think we both have those strengths and weaknesses. It's what makes us overachievers.