TU Cent Thoughts, 11-7-05

[greybeta]

I'm back home, ever so closer to re-enrolling. A few more hurdles to clear and I'll be back better than ever. I believe I will be going for a tetralogy to explain the awesomeness of my re enrollment visit.

But home has a mixed feeling for me, because I've betrayed my Mom's trust, in her words. So now I hear these questions, repeated no less than five times daily when I am home:

"Daniel, what if you get sick again?"
"Could you stay home instead of going back to Tulsa next semester?"
"Do they really want a crazy person like you to teach?"
"What stupid girl would want to fall in love with a poor teacher?"
"Who's going to hire you when you get out of school?"
"Are you sure you are going to be able to handle your workload next semester?"
"Does your roommate think you're weird?"
"Why don't you go into computers or MIS?"
"Don't you know a lot of other parents brag about their sons and daughters being doctors, pharmacists, and engineers?"
"Can God really help our family?"
"How can I ever trust you again?"

The first time around I smile and answer the questions as honestly as I can. The second time around I sigh and answer as straightforwardly as I can. The third time around I start getting sarcastic. The fourth time around I accept blame for all of my mistakes. The fifth time around I just do not say anything.

Normally, I do not take crap from nobody. In fact, if anything, I always take in what I dish out in stride. But I cannot disparage too greatly the lady who brought me into this world.

I respect her too much to do that.
------------------------------------
Hell has frozen over. Anime Mike got a job as an overnight stocker at Wal Mart. The thief is getting a job. Wow, I'm going to have to revise all those "I'll be darned if Mike ever gets a job..." one liners.
------------------------------------
The first snow rarely ever sticks, but it did tonight. Thank you, snow, for waiting until I got home to really pour it on.
------------------------------------
I miss two days and half of my friends list is spammed with Santa or Cthulu.
------------------------------------
What do you prefer to drink while looking out at snow filled scenery?

Comments

[visgoth.livejournal.com]

Depends on how long I have to look at the snow-filled scenery. For a day or two? Mulled wine. For the rest of my life? Cyanide.

[visgoth.livejournal.com]

And I hope your mother comes to terms with your decision and finds it in herself to be happy that you are pursuing your own goals.

I, for one, am impressed that you have chosen to give to our nation and humanity by increasing the store of knowledge.

[correspondguy.livejournal.com]

Dude, if those are literal transcripts, your Mom, much as you might respect her, is WAY over the line. These are not things you need to hear and they're actually harmful (most of them).

[kimmaline.livejournal.com]

I can't believe that your mother would say things like that to you, Daniel. That is absolutely unacceptable. What a horrifying way to speak to your child.

Your parents' job is to love and support you, and guide you. Not to ridicule you, berate you, and suck all the joy out of your dreams.

[sarnath.livejournal.com]

"What stupid girl would want to fall in love with a poor teacher?"

You have great restraint if you tolerate your mother saying this more than once.

[cieo.livejournal.com]

She is an Asian mom. Those questions come printed in some mystic handbook that no one is allowed to talk about. I'm sure I'll get my own copy some day.

I drink green tea because that's the only kind of tea I have in the house right now. If I had the time and if my friends had the time, I'd be drinking chai lattes, sipping at espressos, or trying out egg nog and hot buttered rum. I've never had the latter two before, and I think it's high time that I did.

But that's not to be, because the only friends of mine who DO have time only want to go to this Irish tavern. So it's beer and such all around. I never acquired a taste for beer so I'm stuck paying exorbitant prices for house cocktails. So it goes.

[cieo.livejournal.com]

If greybeta were a girl, it could be worse. By some miracle or other, I've escaped the really really traditional Asian parents, but I have some friends who weren't as lucky. They're encouraged into premed careers and such for the sole purpose of finding a doctor for a husband, and they're fully expected to drop their jobs after marriage (you know, because what's the point?). They're even discouraged from caring too much about their grades because that could get in the way of making themselves pretty and attractive for all the premed boys to fall in lust with them.

[kidsis.livejournal.com]

Whatever diet drinks I have in the place that I'm at. I'm not the biggest fan of alcohol because it all tastes bitter to me, although I do like mixed drinks and Guinness. Right now I'm consuming Fresca mixed with diet Hawaiian Punch.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

I do hear cyanide is a popular drink these days. Something to do with the stress of modern life.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

There's nothing that impressive about following your own dream.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

I am afraid those are not literal transcipts. If I typed the literal transcripts, they would be in Vietnamese.

And, unfortunatley, as part of my culture I must hear my mom out. I owe her that. It's that simple.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

No, actually, it's absolutely acceptable in my culture. I'm actually kind of used to it, as I grew up with this sort of questioning all the time.

The job of Asian parents is to love and support you and direct your life. This includes challenging your child's every move when it deviates from what you think they should do. I don't make the rules, I just play the game.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

The fact that it even irks me a little bit means I'm not patient at all...in my culture. Welcome to the bizarro Asian world.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

God forbid that an indepenent Asian girl actually decides to be a doctor. Her parents might actually disown her then.

[cieo.livejournal.com]

Like I said, I'm lucky not to have to deal with that. Very lucky indeed.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

She is an Asian mom.
Americans have no clue what this means. Not even close.

Those questions come printed in some mystic handbook that no one is allowed to talk about. I'm sure I'll get my own copy some day.
I found part of my mom's one day. I believe it said something like this:
Look out at the world. Who's happy? Rich people are happy. Poor people are sad. No, in fact, poor people are miserable. So who are rich people? Rich people are doctors, pharmacists, and engineers. Poor people are everyone else, including lawyers because lawyers are thieves. You also have to compare everything you own to rich people. If you don't have that, you can't be happy. If you aren't rich, raise a rich son. Make sure your daughter marries somebody rich. No, in fact, arrange a marriage when they are but children to ensure they will be rich. Push and prod at every corner to make sure they are doing what you think they should be doing. Indoctrinate your children with many stories about filial piety so they feel guilty anytime they deviate from the path you want them to take. Ask them their motives for everything. Tell them what friends cannot help them achieve their goals. Praise the friends who become doctors, pharmacists or lawyers. Disparage all of their other friends. Cut out newspaper clippings of all the Rhodes and Marshall and Truman Scholars from the school your son is attending and ask, "Why can't you be more like them?" Shed tears for the ultimate guilt trip in forcing them to obey you will.

And yet, for all of the power of my spiritual gift of discernment, I know she is too engrained in tradition to ever fully respect what I have chosen to do. So I accept being a failure in her eyes so I can be a success in my eyes. I do believe, as a fellow Asian, you understand exactly what I am talking about.

I drink green tea because that's the only kind of tea I have in the house right now. If I had the time and if my friends had the time, I'd be drinking chai lattes, sipping at espressos, or trying out egg nog and hot buttered rum. I've never had the latter two before, and I think it's high time that I did.
Green tea is teh awesome. Unfortunately, I'm the spoiled golden son (the only son at that) so I don't know how to do very many things for myself. The ole wife was supposed to do all the domestic chores. And I don't drink coffee, so the only two things I order at Starbucks is hot chocolate and chai latte. Never tried egg nog and hot buttered rum before, either.

I don't drink alcohol either. There was this one time my mother was seriously sick in the hospital. I told God I would give up drinking (even though I hardly ever drank in the first place) in exchange for her safe return. I believe in the alchemy's principle of equivalent exchange: To obtain something one must be willing to give up something else.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

I don't drink alcohol at all. I prefer drinking hot chocolate while looking at snow scenery.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

My elder sister had to suffer going through three years of chemical engineering on the path to med school. She burned out her senior year. My parents begrudgingly allowed her to go into accounting (which my sister is AWESOME at).

Oh, yes, my AIM name is Ratstrike0. The meds make me hyperfocused and right now I am unable to sleep. Conversation would be appreciated.

[cieo.livejournal.com]

As an Asian, I do understand, but only in that I saw it in so many other families while I was growing up. Not in my own. My family, while deviating from the traditional Asian path, has created whole new sets of problems for me. Sure, some traditional issues still lurk, but you'd be surprised at what mine came up with. My journal will show you. Well, eventually.

As for not knowing how to do many things for yourself--dude, green tea? Just throw a bag in some hot water.

Coffee is the elixir of the gods.

And why did you not promise to give up something that really means something to you? And how does it make sense to bargain in such a way? If God wants to take your mother, then why would he be swayed by you promising not to drink--a habit which you never seemed to value in the first place? Perhaps you did this for psychological reasons, as bargaining is indeed a classic stage in dealing with death.

I would love to make conversation, but perhaps another day. I have a final in 4 hours, and this is just a temporary little study break.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

I've heard it said that the one problem's answer is another answer's problem.

I'm too lazy to throw a bag in some hot water. Or, more likely. I just don't know kind of green tea to buy so I never bother.

It actually did mean something to me. I was at a point in my life at which I could legally choose to drink socially with my friends. So it meant giving that up (I didn't drink much before because I grew up in a Southern Baptist church. That story can be found here when you have the time to read it.) And yes it was the classic bargaining stage in dealing with death. Except I'm stupid enough to keep my word.

Some day we do need to chat. We obviously have a lot in common. Good luck on your finals!

[cieo.livejournal.com]

Indeed. I rather dislike having more information than necessary about me floating around openly on the internet. I will IM you when I see you online. Cheers.

[cieo.livejournal.com]

Oh, and thanks. You see how out of it I am? Crimony.

[cieo.livejournal.com]

Or beer with a Drano chaser (Big Ass Rock - Full Monty musical).

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Actually, I like reading about myself on the Internet.

Looking forward to your IM.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

De nada.

Finals do weird things to people.

[visgoth.livejournal.com]

Not true. It is very easy to let yourself get sidetracked, particularly by big paychecks.

I speak from experience, and I can tell you with a high degree of confidence that a number of my colleagues are in similar situations.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

For some odd reason, my history advisor always loves to use lawyers as his example of people miserable with money.

[visgoth.livejournal.com]

Well, in fairness, I'm not miserable, but I'm not doing what I really want to, and it will be some time before I am able to. But I *am* working toward it.

And my brother-in-law is a lawyer. He seems perfectly happy with it. I'm pretty sure he loves his work. But, then, I don't think he got into it because of the money. I think he loves the adversarial nature of it that challenges his mind.

[purplkat.livejournal.com]

Lord, you're more tolerant than I would ever be. After the THIRD question, I would have lost it with pretty much anyone, my father included, and I practically worship the ground he walks on :P (Of course, part of my respect from him comes from the fact that he doesn't bug me with guilt trips, even when any self-respecting parent would.)

Are you thinking of teaching college, or a lower grade? Because I don't know about college professors, but I know there's a HUGE shortage of pretty much every other kind of teacher in the united states. And if she doesn't think that teaching isn't pretty much one of the MOST respectable professions out there, then... well, that's pretty stupid, is all I have to say.

It's certainly more worth bragging about than being a pharmacist. WTF?

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

In Asian culture, when the elders talk the young people must listen. Even interrupting to clarify a point can be rude. When it's been that way your whole life, you get used to it.

I'm thinking about teaching high school. Specifically, I'd love to teach AP American History or AP American Government some day.

And don't get my mom wrong. She was a teacher in Vietnam. Teaching is a respectable profession for a woman. Ergo, the GREAT apprehension in me choosing teaching as my profession, especially in a useless major like history.

And no, in Asian cultures, a teacher would be a feather to a pharmacist's two ton truck in terms of social status. Any traditional Asian parent would only accept the two ton truck.

[purplkat.livejournal.com]

I was raised in a family where the rule of my parents, teachers, and other older person superior types was law, and I really wish I hadn't been. A lot of people -- family members and teachers, mostly -- were able to take advantage of me and treat me abysmally because I took anything they threw at me, and worse, because I assumed that they were older and wiser and knew better than me, the only natural conclusion was that I deserved the abuse. I had a teacher in one grade who would strike students on occasion, and it never even occurred to me to think this was wrong until other students started complaining about it, even though my parents would NEVER have struck me at home. I had another teacher who would watch students beat up on me and ridicule me and do nothing, and it never occurred to me that he should have done anything other than what he did -- nothing. In fact, I loved him when I should have scorned him for his uncaring attitude.

It wasn't until my teens that I started to come to the conclusion that everyone, regardless of their family or age status, should be treating me with a very basic level of respect. I agree that it's a hard thing to fully internalize, and I still wrestle with it. But it's been necessary for the sake of my sanity, because, at least in my experience, people tend to treat you as badly as you let them treat you.

Perhaps in Asian cultures, it's different, and there's something to enforce the respect going both ways. (Ie, the younger generation must respect their elders, but the elders are obliged not to take advantage of this respect to the extreme degree and to try to do right by their children.) I think that if there'd been something like that when I was growing up, I'd probably still be unquestioningly obediant to my elders.