I'm not a nice guy

[greybeta]

When someone meets me for the first time, they usually get the wrong impression of me. I don't know why, but a lot of people tend to think that I'm a "nice guy" the first time they meet me in person.

The whole "nice guy" comment is usually the segue into one of my vitriolic rants on the world. And usually the conversation ends with them being completely confused.

That's because while I say and do mean things, I do kind acts from time to time. Actions may speak louder than words, but man do people ever talk too much these days.

My main vehicle for my channeling my pessimism is sarcasm. Did you know that sarcasm comes from a Greek word that literally means "to tear flesh"?

That's right, when I use sarcasm, I am "tearing flesh". That is to say I am ripping at the facade of a situation to reveal its inner truth.

The scary thing is when I wield that weapon of sarcasm against people. And I've found that quite a few people struggle with the fact that they are not good people.

Bad people never think of themselves of bad people. Even worse, their friends often allow them to wallow in their own putrescence because of the bad person's stubbornness.

Well, I've learned to use restraint in social situations. Yet the instant someone says something ludicrous, you bet I'm going get right there in their grill.

This is about the time I get the "I thought you were cool" crap. This is also the time where I give them the "People think I'm cool because I'm brutally straightforward and honest" spiel.

Heaven forbid they use the "If you want to remain my friend, please stop saying what you're saying" line. That's because they'll instantly receive one of the coldest responses ever:

Losing a friendship like yours wouldn't be that big of a loss anyways.

Comments

[fub.livejournal.com]

I used to have a T-shirt that said "Ik ben niet aardig" (which is Dutch for "I'm not nice"). I once wore it when we were travelling by plane, and I was picked out from the queue to be more thoroughly checked (though this was pre-2001). The security guy said: "Hey, look, it's the not-nice man! Let's have a closer look..."

I think that was the last time I wore that shirt.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Dude, I'd totally wear a "Ik ben niet aardig" shirt. It would be awesome to see the reaction of people when I say it's Dutch for "I'm not nice."

[nathreee.livejournal.com]

I don't get it. Why are you proud of being a pessimist, a sarcast and/or not nice? Why is this negative streak something good? I can understand that there's people out there you don't want to be friends with. (what kind of things do people say that are "ludicrous" anyway?) Do you really need to be so harsh to them? Is that a thing you're proud of?

I always found that life is easier when people like you. If you smile, even if you don't mean it, they will probably smile back and make less fuss than if you tell them exactly why you don't like them. It's easier to ask people questions or to get them to cooperate if you give them reasons to like you. Being sarcastic a lot seriously compromises your social network.

I suppose now you're going to tell me you don't need a social network. That really cool people don't take offense when you're being sarcastic.

Come on, explain it to me.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

I subscribe to a philosophy I've taken the liberty of calling "Positive Pessimism". You can catch most of the highlights in my profile under the section titled "The philosophy behind positive pessimism".

First off, I notice you're from the Netherlands so the cultural context may be a bit different. I live in a region called the Bible Belt in America, where the people living here are fairly open about their evangelical version of Christianity. Which means they don't mind asking about your religion and then trying to witness to you the next second.

On the other hand, it's sort of rude to ask about someone's political stance. "Who you voted for President" is not a common topic of discussion.

Now, this may be confusing to you, but people like who I am precisely because I'm negative. This is because I'm not negative for the sake of being negative.

You know how in math that when you multiply two negatives you get a positive? The same principle applies with me: I will use negativity to get rid of the negativity in people's live.

Those closest to me understand the true value of sarcasm. They also tell me that for whatever reason, the good Lord has granted me a lot of charisma in spite of my negative and pessimistic outlook on life! ^_^

[nathreee.livejournal.com]

Well, you didn't exactly convince me, but hey, I'm not a pessimist so I guess I just can't understand.

But I do know Americans are very different from Dutch people. The Dutch are often very open and to the point; they like like to call it honesty while many non-Dutch perceive it as being rude or blunt. I am no exception. Well, except that I know non-Dutch people might find me blunt. Hell, I put my foot in my mouth so often even Dutch people think I'm blunt.

What was my point again? Oh right. The impression us Dutch people usually get of Americans is that they're all Tell-Sell presentors: "Isn't that amazing, Bill?" "It's fantastic, George!"
I can imagine that if everyone keeps telling each other how fantastic they are, whether they mean it or not, it's bound to be very refreshing to run into someone like you who says what he thinks.

That being said, I don't like being negative, and I was never very good at math. =P

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

I subscribe to the philosophy of despair.com. That is to say that reducing expectations is the best way to realize them.

[culculhen.livejournal.com]

Well you also have to remember that you've got the dutch version of negative in mind. As long as I've not met him in person. I'm quite open to that he's actually more friendly as a negative American then a positive dutch person.

[fub.livejournal.com]

They're still on sale, I see... If you really want one, I'm sure we could arrange something.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, could you provide a link? I'll try to save up for Christmas or somethin...

[fub.livejournal.com]

Here is a thumbnail of the shirt. 15 euros, available in medium and large.

[nickel.livejournal.com]

As long as you continue to differentiate between 'straightforward and honest' and 'rude or cruel'. I have known more than one person who claims to 'tell it like it is' when what they really are is too self-important to employ tact or consider the feelings of others.

[meopta.livejournal.com]

True. The phrase "What? I'm just being honest." is one of my "Oh, an ass" markers.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

[obligatory]What? I'm just being honest.[/obligatory]

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

My policy is to wait until they ask for it. In fact, when I'm around people, I'm usually quiet until people start asking me questions. Don't ask me how I'm doing unless you really want the full details on how I'm doing! ^_^

[besideserato.livejournal.com]

"Nice guy" is such an insult, though, they totally deserve the sarcasm! In most all instances that this has been said around me or to me, it's been evident that the person saying it meant the man in question was an "unattractive, sexually worthless male, though possibly useful for things an attractive, sexual gold-mine of a male would refuse to do, like listen to me whine about how fat I am and whether I should buy this purse in floating feather or spring eggshell." So rip them apart. Cheers.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

I don't rip them apart. I stomp down their throats! ^_^

[besideserato.livejournal.com]

Whatever you like, darling, so long as it stings.

[renough.livejournal.com]

I've recently read some words of wisdom while reading through the book of Romans. I thought it to be a pretty good piece of advise:

"If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men."

You seem to relish the fact that you can be unkind. It isn't a terribly difficult thing to accomplish. In fact, I find it to be more difficult to bite my own tongue in certain situations. It seems to me almost like bragging that when losing your step on a ladder, you fall down.

You wonder why people view you as a nice guy when they meet you... do you insult them, scowl at them, or in general attempt to make their day worse when you first meet someone? I doubt it, and it wasn't the case when we met. I think you have to almost try to not be 'nice' when you meet someone. I don't think nice is the presence of showing traits of being a good person, but moreso avoiding being a jerk in one's first encounter. I could meet someone who was generally neutral in the first meeting (but shook my hand, told me their name, and didn't act completely disinterested or ignore my presence), and walk away saying, "They seemed nice."

And as for your finishing line... where's the love? Think of what Jesus taught about loving one's neighbor. Everyone's your neighbor, and everyone deserves to be loved... but that is just plain cold and hurtful. I guess that brings me back up to the quote from earlier. How you respond is up to you.

C.S. Lewis once made a valid point that if you believe you will live forever, then today is a very important day, because every choice... every decision will shape you bit by bit to become the person you are. It's why curmudgeons are the way they are... they didn't wake up and decide to be sour one day... and that's just a character trait built up over 60-70 years! Think of where you'll be at any given point in eternity.

At any rate, it is getting late. And I wish that you could not look at the societal subtext of being a 'nice' person, and just be a good person. A lot more will come of it.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Jesus also said to love others as you love yourself. Since I don't love myself too much, I don't love others too much. That's still in line with what Jesus says, right?

[renough.livejournal.com]

Weren't we also called to love our enemies? There wasn't a caveat on that one, if I recall. We're also called to be there for the alien, the widow and the orphan. No caveats. I believe that loving your neighbor 'as yourself' is assuming that you do love yourself. You may not like yourself, but that isn't the command. You aren't supposed to like your neighbor as yourself. The love is supposed to be unconditional. Besides, I believe that people love themselves in the sense that they will usually feed themselves if hungry, go to sleep when they are tired, or in general take care of themselves (not always, but you don't see people keeling over the first time they've had a bout with depression. I've been through depression before on multiple occasions, and here I am replying to this).

So, back to the beginning (I tend to do that), about loving your enemies. The last line in your original post is, as best I can tell, intended to hurt. You didn't like something you heard, so you say something that is nearly a sure-fire way to damage the other person's self-image and self-worth (is my friendship with people really not worth much?) at least to some degree.

Using your own phrase, if you don't love others too much, does that mean you get to create an evidently tried and true retort hurt them?

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Love isn't always nice, I'm afraid.

[renough.livejournal.com]

Let's go over what love is:
-Patient
-Kind
-Doesn't envy
-Doesn't boast
-Isn't proud
-Isn't rude
-Not self-seeking
-Not easily angered
-Keeps no record of wrongs
-Does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth
-Always protects
-Always trusts
-Always hopes
-Always perseveres

If you look at your most current poll, "Kind" is one of the two leaders of the pack that is synonymous with "Nice." So, I disagree.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

You're free to disagree. But I don't equate love and being nice.

[renough.livejournal.com]

But can you deny that being nice is a byproduct of love? If it isn't, then where does it come from?

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

I have a very long answer to this, but it's Friday and I don't really want to think about it. I'll post my answer to your question as soon as I can (I would say on Monday, but I have a test on Monday, so it's not guaranteed).

[renough.livejournal.com]

I'm not talking about social nicety... or the 'niceness' one exudes to get people to like them or to be attracted to them (or that they exude because people won't be attracted to them), but the genuine quality that you act positively upon for good. If that doesn't come from love, then where? Does that clarify the question, or at least shorten the very long answer?

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

It clarifies the question, which actually lengthens the answer! ^_^