![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
A sword in a rock
Apr. 13th, 2005 01:24 amWords haunt me. They come and go, but certain ones stick in my head, repeating themselves over and over again.
It just kind of consumes you.
Those words were spoken to me by a professor of Vietnamese history, at the conference that I attended over spring break. He was talking about his research. For some reason, his words resound in my head over and over. And it dawns upon me why I have not been feeling so well for the past few weeks.
I am afraid.
Let me explain. I’m drifting right now. I ask myself, how committed am I to the path I have chosen? Deep inside, I know that I have to pull this sword out of a rock. I already possess the abilities to masterfully wield this sword, but it will take long years of practice and patience to sharpen my skills. And all I have to do is pull out the sword. But I’m too lazy to pull out the sword.
More likely, I am afraid to.
I am afraid that I will be consumed by my choice. That, somehow, I’ll get so wrapped up in what I’m doing that I’ll forget who I am. Being academia has a strong appeal, but it’s a long arduous path that does not guarantee success. It’s like a seven year gamble in which I must obtain my doctorate or else. And at the end of that tunnel, I’m not exactly going to be making the ton of money my parents envisioned me earning with my talents.
But I do care about Vietnam, and the history of my people. I can’t deny that there’s something about it that touches me deep inside. Then there are times when I wish I could be blissfully ignorant. I wish I could follow conventional wisdom, which is just to worry about yourself first. Use your skillz to pay the billz.
It’s times like this that I must confess how selfish of a person I am. I want to reserve my talents, to better mankind. At least, that’s what I was taught growing up. But general intentions aren’t enough. I have to be willing to show a commitment to what I want to change. Except, I seem to be satisfied with the status quo.
I still have not made that leap. I’m only halfway in, and that’s no good. I’m drifting, waiting for something to tell me that I’m making the right call. I wanted to be able to make a choice, but I’m not committed to that choice.
I still see that sword in a rock. It calls to me, but I refuse to answer its call. I…feel tired all of the sudden, not well in the head.
What do I have to be afraid of?
It just kind of consumes you.
Those words were spoken to me by a professor of Vietnamese history, at the conference that I attended over spring break. He was talking about his research. For some reason, his words resound in my head over and over. And it dawns upon me why I have not been feeling so well for the past few weeks.
I am afraid.
Let me explain. I’m drifting right now. I ask myself, how committed am I to the path I have chosen? Deep inside, I know that I have to pull this sword out of a rock. I already possess the abilities to masterfully wield this sword, but it will take long years of practice and patience to sharpen my skills. And all I have to do is pull out the sword. But I’m too lazy to pull out the sword.
More likely, I am afraid to.
I am afraid that I will be consumed by my choice. That, somehow, I’ll get so wrapped up in what I’m doing that I’ll forget who I am. Being academia has a strong appeal, but it’s a long arduous path that does not guarantee success. It’s like a seven year gamble in which I must obtain my doctorate or else. And at the end of that tunnel, I’m not exactly going to be making the ton of money my parents envisioned me earning with my talents.
But I do care about Vietnam, and the history of my people. I can’t deny that there’s something about it that touches me deep inside. Then there are times when I wish I could be blissfully ignorant. I wish I could follow conventional wisdom, which is just to worry about yourself first. Use your skillz to pay the billz.
It’s times like this that I must confess how selfish of a person I am. I want to reserve my talents, to better mankind. At least, that’s what I was taught growing up. But general intentions aren’t enough. I have to be willing to show a commitment to what I want to change. Except, I seem to be satisfied with the status quo.
I still have not made that leap. I’m only halfway in, and that’s no good. I’m drifting, waiting for something to tell me that I’m making the right call. I wanted to be able to make a choice, but I’m not committed to that choice.
I still see that sword in a rock. It calls to me, but I refuse to answer its call. I…feel tired all of the sudden, not well in the head.
What do I have to be afraid of?
